Yes, I'm doing 2 posts back to back. I know... totally unheard of for me. But I'm on a roll so I'm going with it.
I'd like to get some thoughts from some of you other mommas of kids with attachment issues. Or, maybe what I'm going to ask about has nothing to do with attachment stuff... so I guess if someone else has ideas than I'd like to hear those too!
I have found myself frustrated with Monika's inability to understand how the world works. I've often thought that she was pretending to not know just for the attention she might get or something. But lately I've started to wonder and then in the post that I linked to in my previous post- the mom references her daughter doing the same thing and it got me to thinking...
In that post she says, "Except that Diamond habitually lies and is so delayed at 10 that she asks if they killed a real baby when the baby on Little House on the Prairie died."
Yesterday Monika, who is 11, asked if people get jobs based on where they live, like how kids go to school based on this. Ummm... no. Today, after Caleb received a text on his new cell phone from his grandma, she said, "Oh! You should tell her you got a phone for your birthday!" Uh...I'm just guessing, but I think she probably knows that? Later, after going to Casa Bonita for Caleb's birthday party, she wanted to know if the people who run the restaurant know how to turn off the waterfall. Really? (BTW, Casa Bonita is a crazy 'theme' restaurant with horrible food, an arcade and a huge waterfall that employees dive off of into 'shallow water.' I don't understand it all, but it's been in Denver forever- I went when I was a kid- and it's just something tourists do when they come to town with their kids.)
Anyway, she seems to struggle with this more when she is disregulated. And, today is Caleb's birthday, so she is disregulated. During her 'power sitting' session this morning I reminded her and John that they have a hard time allowing someone else to have a special day. They often misbehave in order to steal attention away from whoever is being celebrated. So, while she has worked really hard to not be naughty, and I SOOO appreciate this... I've also noticed that her thinking seems to be greatly diminished.
Any thoughts on why Monika does this? Is she delayed? Is this a manipulative way that she is trying to get attention? Are these legitimate questions coming from a girl who has only lived in a 1st world country for 2 years? What do you think?
She IS behaving well today and I really am thankful for that. After Caleb got his phone this morning, she went and got a new toy of hers that she hadn't even taken out of the package and just held it. I was impressed that she found a way to feel like she had something special too, without needing to take away from his moment. This afternoon, after he got a gift card and some cash in the mail she went and pulled out her money and a gift card she's been saving and just checked to see that everything was in order. Also great, that she recognized that she has those things too and she doesn't need to feel badly that Caleb got some today.
Baby steps.
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7 comments:
Hmm. I would have to say... yes.
Yes, I think she probably doesn't have a real understanding. Yes, she is probably less able to process things when she is disregulated (like the synapses aren't firing right!) Yes, she probably also likes to ask dumb questions that she knows the answers to because it's a good attention getter when someone else is getting attention (I charge my kids a quarter to answer). BUT: good recognition of her using coping techniques today, and good for her for using them! That's big progress!
My 7-year-old RADling does the EXACT. SAME. THING. No third-world country, but neglect and I can only guess what else. I don't think it's always for one reason. Sometimes I'm certain it's for attention. Example: Josh and Peanut are having a theological discussion RIGHT AFTER CHURCH, and Princess interrupts to ask if Josh believes in God. But sometimes I'm sure it's because her brain is wired up all funky and she draws different conclusions than everyone else (we usually leave the therapist's at 12:30. Therefore, we must always eat lunch after seeing the therapist. Lunch is connected to the person, not the time). And then sometimes I think it's because she sees everyone else having normal relaxed conversations, and it's so hard for her, but she wants that type of connection for herself. A stab at normalcy, if you will.
If you get this figured out, will you please clue me in? This is one of the behaviors that drive me C-RAZY!!!
Yeah, probably a little bit of all of it. But really good stuff about how she handled the birthday festivities. That sounds like some good progress. I often remind my kiddos when things come up that are usually a struggle. They can benefit from preparing themselves for some of the stress, and planning ahead how they will cope. Some of my kiddos do great with this...others, not so much.
Corey nailed it. Could be her living in the back of her brain. Could be attention. Could be both.
That's when you can just put it back on them. If they say a word wrong, say, "What was that word again?" If they look you straight in the face and do it wrong again on purpose, then you can have them practice by writing or saying it a few times.
If they ask a question about something that seems totally obvious, just turn it right back to them. "What do you think?"
If they say "I don't know," you use this little jewel our therapist taught me: "'I don't know' is not an answer." :)
I would say a big part of is cultural. Not only do my two Haitian sons struggle with this, so do many of our workers and kids at our orphanage. Critical thinking is not encouraged or taught (in general, in society). Rote and memorization is. (I think there is a political reason for this.) The result, kids don't connect to the information. When one of my kids ask a ridiculously obvious question, I ask them to answer it themselves. If they say "IDK" then we say "Try to figure it out". 80% of the time they figure it out or answer incorrectly.
I will say 3rd grade Mental Math is torture to our souls.
This really hit home for me at a recent appointment with Avi when I was explaining our reasoning for choosing to have him repeat 1st grade next year and she interrupted me (I was getting ready to "justify" because people keep wondering why we are doing it when he's so "smart") and said "well, his brain has been asked to do an awful lot in two years" and when I stopped talking it made perfect sense. I already KNEW it, but it was good to hear it from outside my own brain. His brain has been on overload for two years now. It's silly some of the stuff that doesn't stick. Especially when other stuff that does stick amazes everyone. Makes no sense at all. But it's how I understand it now - his brain has been overloaded and is still catching up.
One of the most frustrating things to me as a homeschooler is the playing dumb versus just can't figure it out. And every day is a crap shoot. I realized how far 2 of my RADishes are when they play dumb or whatever coping mechanism they're using (like muttering, I forgot, I etc.) when I realize it's been a few days since they did that. And triggers are such a big thing: their birthday, anyone's birthday, holidays, you know the drill. There is no one answer and no one "fix." Every day I realize it's more about God changing me than them.
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