I used to be the life of the party. One of my good friends used to jokingly say, 'where 2 or more are gathered, Laura is there,' because if there was a party going on- I wanted to be in the middle of it. (Not because I'm omnipresent- but don't tell my kids, k?)
Twice in the past couple of weeks I've gotten really nervous before going to someone else's house for dinner. That is SOOO unlike me- at least who I used to be. I started thinking about it and realized that my anxiety is directly related to my relationships with M and J. When I am not doing well with them- I don't want to be around other people. Other people ask me how things are going and then I feel very anxious and stuck. I can't lie- I'm no good at it and I hold myself and everyone else to a ridiculously high standard of telling the truth no matter what. But if I tell the truth- well- most people don't really want to hear it. It is awkward for them to hear about the behaviors that drive me crazy. It is uncomfortable for them when I say how angry I get and how I wish I didn't. They squirm when I tell them that I don't feel all the things I think I should feel and that I don't know what to do about that.
So, I get nervous and wish I hadn't committed to going to dinner. I have to have long talks with myself beforehand about breathing and not worrying and what not. And while I haven't found the right balance yet, I try to find a way to say that things are tough, but not worse than is to be expected, and we're working hard to help everyone feel safe... or something. Blah blah blah. It just stinks to have to have a pep talk with myself in order to try to enjoy an evening with friends. It used to be so much easier.
SO MANY things used to be so much easier.
I just recently started reading this blog and the author published her thoughts on this same issue about a week and a half ago. The stuff she doesn't know how to incorporate into small talk, though, is quite a bit bigger than my stuff.
Surprisingly, both evenings that I was nervous about actually turned out fine. One of them, that was sans kids, was truly fabulous. So, as is the case with MOST of life, perspective is FAR different from reality.
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Hi friend! We have out of town guests this week so I am not keeping up very well but wanted to give you a "your not alone". I have been the same way and in four years have almost completely isolated myself (made our move easier) as you know I've only "shared" with you. I say things like "some days are harder than others but we are heading in the right direction for the most part" I am slowly trying to peek my head out of my shell. I am determined to not let this take all my joy! My husband and four other kids deserve a joyful fun momma! like you said before....baby steps....I'm just adding that maybe we too need them:)
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