We're having a rough time here- and by 'we' I mean Monika and I.
I've lost touch with any compassion and mercy that I should have and I've pulled way back. Mostly I've been trying to not interact with her whenever possible. I know that this is not healthy or helpful. I know I need to fake it at the very least. I am not doing what I should be doing right now. I'm tired, frustrated and yes, angry. I've got to regroup.
Monika is increasingly mad that she lives here. She wants to go back to Haiti. She thinks that adoption is terrible. She is becoming more and more moody, defiant, dishonest and manipulative.
I feel like it's all on me to make the difference. If I am loving and compassionate and funny and kind no matter how she acts, then she has a chance to heal. If I have kind eyes and a soft voice and give her enough hugs then she can learn to trust again. Well, when I'm mad and burnt out and I want to give up- then that must mean that she can't heal or learn to trust and I'm further cementing the damage that her past gave her.
So I'm re-reading my attachment parenting books and taking breaks and all that- but the good stuff hasn't come back yet. Got. to. regroup.
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9 comments:
I just bought both of Katharine Leslie's books and a brand new one by Bruce Perry. I'll let you know if they are any help. Do you read this blog? http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/ She has been posting a lot of stuff she learned at a Katharine Leslie seminar.. it has been interesting stuff..
I am new to your blog and just wanted to say I am so sorry and pray that things get better soon. I had a little one (she was only 15mn. old when she came home)...boy, she was tough for a while and I really struggled to like her...many days I didn't...I found myself also avoiding mothering her and had to pray through that....
anyway, I will pray for you.
You gotta believe you're not alone. I so get it, as, unfortunately, so do many other mothers of wounded children. As I commented on another blog, I've always believed our adoptions were God's way of changing me, whether anything changed for our kids. I can not change them, only me. Such a hard road we have undertaken. Only through God's grace and mercy, which is new every morning, do we struggle on. You're being prayed for today.
Been. There. I agree so much with the comment that God uses our kids to change US. Sometimes my rebellious nature bucks that a little and I want to "just have a normal family". But what is normal anyway, and how boring would that be? Sometimes I try to think of my G as the hot peppers in the sauce - I don't want him gone, just toned down a bit. He's the spice that keeps it interesting...
Praying for God to flood you with love and compassion and to fill you up...CONTINUALLY...as that is what it takes for these kids!
Laura:
I'm so sorry! I HATE this for you. Funny how we can feel so alone when so many other people out there are struggling through the same things:( You make me feel so "normal" thank you again for your honesty, it is truly helping me and I'm sure so many more mommies out there.
I'm a new reader over from the Mouro blog, and I SO understand....I've just had the same thoughts about myself. Our son has been home for 3 years, and sometimes, I just struggle to want to interact at all....I'll pray for you and me! :o)
Lisa H.
Take all the time you need my friend. We are here praying for you!
Have you seen this blog? http://www.welcometomybrain.net/
She's a mom doing therapeutic parenting, as she calls it. Perhaps you may find something in her writing to give you strength and encouragement.
Not fun.
Blessings to you and yours.
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