I've Been Absent For Awhile

because I forgot- for way too long- to look for what IS beautiful about my life.  I got stuck in the hard stuff, AGAIN, and couldn't see what was good.

We've dealt with lots of lying lately.  And LOTS of playing dumb.  Oh, and there's some new stuff- like minor false reports and a little stealing.  I got way bogged down by it all.  I gave my power to those things rather than letting those things be minor in light of all that is GOOD.  And there is so much that is really, really good.

Mother's Day is coming up- and I don't long to celebrate that day in a very traditional sense.  I usually want to be 'away' from my family that day.  I want a break.  I guess, in some ways I want to pretend like I don't have any hard stuff that I deal with.  But today, I am going to focus on what I LOVE about being a mom to Anna.  And, each day this week, I want to do the same for each of my other children.

Last night, after school, Anna and I went to the mall.  Just the two of us.  Oh, that girl.  I LOVE that girl.  She is sunshine and roses, rainbows and laughter.  She moves thru life with joy and innocence and sheer delight.  We ate in the food court- because she 'loves the food court- there are so many choices there!'  Then we went to see the puppies- and of course she was delighted by each and everyone of them- and if I could have, I would have purchased one for her to bring home.  (Despite the fact that I am NOT a pet person and do NOT want a puppy, if I could, I would give one to her.)

I had $7 in reward money at Hallmark so she got to get a mini-Webkinz for free.  She was so thankful and so excited.  We found her a swimsuit for this summer that was less than $12.  She was beside herself and so grateful.  She had her money with her so she bought herself a pair of sunglasses that she wore the rest of the evening.  As soon as she put them on her entire demeanor changed.  She was a movie star.  She flung her arm out with her little purse dangling and swung it and her hips as she sauntered the rest of the way thru the mall.  What a crack up.

We ended our time together by purchasing cupcakes from YumYums- a kiosk in the mall that sells just cupcakes.   I had told her we would do this before we left and she asked me about it several times before we finally got there- concerned that we might not really get to eat one of those fancy treats.

This morning Anna came downstairs and said, "Mom, last night was the best night ever with you!" 

You mean she still thinks I'm fun to be with??  She likes me??  She wanted to be with me??  I get pretty convinced way too often that I am mean and angry and really NOT fun and that none of my children want to spend time with me.  I think way too often that they would far rather be with their Daddy, or their friends, or each other (or maybe even by themselves) than they would with me.  She had the best night ever with me- I hope she remembers those moments far better than the moments when I am no where near being the Mom I want to be.