With His Back to Me

I took John to the doctor today because I noticed on Mother's Day that his cheek didn't look quite right.  There was a dimple there that he didn't have before.  When I asked him about it he said that 'a couple of months ago' he was playing roller hockey with the neighborhood kids and he fell down.  As he fell Caleb rolled, at high speed, right into his cheek with his inline skate.  Ummm... ouch. 

John said it hurt really bad so he sat out of the game for a few minutes before resuming play.  And, he never said a word about it to Jason or me.  Anyway, back to Mother's Day, I notice this dimple and Jason and I start prodding around on his face and feel a chunk of something floating around inside his cheek!  So I took him in today to see if my boy had broken his face 'a couple of months ago' and I never noticed.  (Can I just point out that 'a couple of months ago' could have been 3 days to boys this age?  Right?  I mean, surely I'm not that unobservant, am I?)

Anyway, his face is not broken- it's just an internal injury called a ceroma? or something that needs time to heal.  NO biggie.

The reason I bring this story up is what happened while we waited for the doctor to come into the exam room.  John crawled up on the table and the nurse took all his vitals and then she left.  John then proceeded to turn toward the wall, with his back to me, and he stared silently at the wall until the doctor came in.  He was calm and still- but not relaxed.  He was SOOOO uncomfortable being alone with me.  It doesn't happen very often by virtue of the size of our family so I haven't had very many opportunities to observe this.  It was truly heartbreaking to me.  I did not try to point it out to him.  I didn't try to make small talk.  I just sat and watched my boy who seemed to be in  awkward agony simply because he didn't know what to do.  He doesn't know how to initiate conversation with an adult unless he wants something.  He is deathly afraid for an adult to think he might want to be with them- even though he REALLY does.  He is completely unable to relax around me, especially.  He doesn't know what to do with himself. 

I'm not sure where I'll go with this from here.  I haven't had time to think that much about it yet, but the boy needs to find a way to feel safe with me and I think that way is in my hands.  I am the one who must find a way to reach him. 

At night when I tuck the kids in I tell each one of them that I love them.  He gets so embarrassed by this and he says it back to me but it is like torture for him.  He giggles so uncomfortably every time.  We kind of joke about it and I just keep saying it hoping that one day it will feel more natural.

He is a good boy.  He has come SOOOOOOOOO far.  He is also annoying and sometimes hard.  It isn't always easy to want to persue one-on-one time with him but he needs it.  I need it.  It is my job (and Jason's job) to teach him how to grow up to be a man.  Being comfortable in your own skin- especially around those who love you- is probably one of the foundations of that.