McBride Family

Giving Up... For Now

2010-08-14T16:28:00.000-06:00

I think it's fairly obvious that this just isn't happenin'.

I'm pretty over-committed right now and looking thru my life for what I can take off my plate- even if it's just the pressure of 'thinking' that it's on my plate. ;)

So... the blog will stay here- I'm just not planning to add to it anytime soon.

Blessings to any of you who have stuck around! Thanks for reading and commenting and just being along for the ride.

Six Months Later

2010-07-13T12:40:00.000-06:00

This is reposted from John McHoul's blog. John works with Heartline Ministries.

It has been six months to the day that the earth shook and in that 35-43 seconds of time it is estimated that three hundred thousand people died, hundreds of thousands were injured, tens of thousands of homes and buildings were damaged or destroyed and over a million people were left homeless. All in less that one minute of shaking.

Can any nation be truly prepared for such a cataclysmic event? I suspect not, and Haiti a nation with little infrastructure and unable before the earthquake to meet even the basic needs of its people was rendered stunned and helpless by this catastrophe. Even as the international community rushed to give assistance, they encountered a government that was largely broken and unable to help facilitate the enormous amount of aid and aid workers being held back by a lack of infrastructure and a working government. And now six months later the struggle continues as humanitarian aid is being held at the ports while exorbitance customs fees must be paid before the containers can be released and the supplies made available to assist people who otherwise would not be able to secure help.

I have copied some links below that may help you understand some of what is happening here

LINKS

THE LOST CHILDREN OF HAITI

HAITI'S CAMPS OF DESPAIR

NO JUSTICE FOR HAITI'S WOMEN INMATES

Progress is being made albeit slowly and seemingly without a plan. Yet volumes could not contain the heroic acts of kindness and bravery of the Haitian people and the international community as they worked to rescue those still trapped alive under falling buildings and to treat the injured.

It is not by intent to criticize the cleanup and rebuilding efforts that are slowly coming into play. The task of just cleanup alone is enormous. I want to tell a bit of what Heartline has been doing.

LOOKING BACK A BIT (THE BLINK OF AN EYE VERSION)

A few days after the earthquake the Heartline people here in Haiti met and talked and prayed to see if there was a need for us to open an emergency clinic. We also went into the inner city to see if there were still people who had been injured and had not been treated. Little did we know that we would still find such people even weeks after the earthquake. It was clear that there was still a need for an emergency clinic and in what I can only attribute to God, Heartline four days later opened its clinic with a group of docs and nurses that came in from the States and Canada and we started seeing people with horrific injuries and in the primitive settings the docs performed some pretty amazing procedures. This clinic continued for about 3 weeks where we saw hundreds and hundred and people that were injured in the earthquake. And with the tremendous support of the Heartline people in the States, medical personnel and supplies just kept coming during this remarkable, amazing, hectic time.

After about three weeks we were no longer seeing as many patients with severe injuries due to the earthquake and now we faced some hard questions. What do we do with the patients that need aftercare? Can we really send some of them back to their inner cities homes in such fragile conditions? What about those that no longer have homes? Should we open up a field hospital where we can offer aftercare? It was ultimately my decision and yet I was probably the one who understood the least what that would mean. And yet there was no other choice. We had to see this through to the end for each patient. And that decision has brought us to places and relationships and struggles that we could never had imagined.

Some nights we would have up to 100 people sleeping at what once was the girl's house and now it became our field hospital. Most people would not sleep inside due to the fear of aftershocks and so the yard would be full of patients on mattresses that we rounded up and then on cots that we had brought in. We still needed a steady supply of docs and nurses and physical therapists and supplies and the Heartline people in the States worked tirelessly. We estimated that we would keep the Heartline Field Hospital open until March 1st. Well it is July 12th and we are still open with several patients still with us. We of course had to feed and care for the patients and so we needed a lot of help and resources and wow did people who heard the cry of a nation respond with finances and by coming and giving of their love and hearts to the broken, crushed and wounded.

We as well developed relationships with other organizations that would take some of our severely injured patients and from whom we would take from them patients that needed aftercare. There were several articles written in which Heartline was mentioned as a place where the patients received loving quality care. God was doing some super stuff and was honoring our effort to do the best that we could, relying on Him and honoring Him by caring and loving those that He entrusted to us. These were uncharted waters for us and we clearly knew that we had to trust in God.

Probably the most rewarding things is the relationships that we have developed with the patients. And the Heartline Field Hospital truly became a community. We are still open as we have patients with lingering infections, others who are getting used to their prosthetic limbs, and other that will leave us after we put up a new home for them and then there will be a few that have become a part of our community and will be with us for years to come.

HIGHLIGHTING

Amanda

We have often written about Amanda who suffered severe injuries to her leg and left arm when the three story house next to her one room cement house fell on it while Amanda was inside. She was dug out by neighbors and brought to several hospitals until she found a home at the Heartline Field Hospital. It is Amanda that we are working and praying to get into the Mayo clinic for the specialized surgery and care that she needs for her arm. We are still working at it and very much need your prayers and support.

Patrick

Patrick pictured above with Dr. Jen is the 14 year-old boy who was hit by an out of control truck during the earthquake. He suffered a severe fracture and even with several procedures on his leg, he has had a lingering infection that won't go away. We were concerned that he could lose his leg if he was not able to get treatment that is not available in Haiti. And so through the combined efforts of several people, the organizations Healing the Children and Heartline, Patrick this past week left Haiti for the Shriner's Hospital in Springfield, Massachusetts where he will get the care that he could not get here in Haiti.

Healing the Children paid for the travel for Patrick and a 10 year old boy named Emmanuel who is also being treated at the Shriner's and Heartline paid for the ticket for the escort to travel to Haiti and bring the boys to Shriners. Heartline will also help pay the expenses of the host family as they graciously take him into their home where he will stay when not in the hospital. All medical costs are being donated by the Shriner's and the doctors.

I know that many of you have taken interest in our patients and have tracked their progress. Some reading this blog have been to Heartline and have personally met Amanda and Patrick and know what wonderful people they are and how they demonstrate their trust in God in spite of their injuries. Heartline for Amanda will pay for airfare to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota and the ticket for her escort and help the host family will her expenses. Her medical care will be donated the the Mayo clinic and by the doctors. Your help with the ongoing costs of helping Amanda and Patrick would be greatly appreciated. It is such a wonderful thing to be able to help those that can't help themselves. I often sit alone in the yard of the field hospital and feel overwhelmed that God has given us the privilege of caring for some who were injured when the earth shook on January 12, 2010. You can help by praying for Patrick and by praying for Amanda's approval by the Mayo Clinic and by giving to help with their expenses. Click here to give and thank you for caring!

A HOUSE FOR MARJORIE AND FAMILY

You should have seen the look on Marjorie's face when she showed me the keys to the house that we had put up for her and her family. Marjorie house was destroyed in the earthquake but Marjorie was at school where she was trapped under debris for three days. She lost her left hand but not her joy and determination to move forward. The next house we will be putting up is for little Emmanuel and his father and mother. This couple lost three children in the earthquake with only little Emmanuel surviving. Heartline has purchased a good size piece of land for them a couple hours outside the city and will within the next several days be traveling out there with the pieces of the house and put in together for them.

So many of you have given so that Heartline can help people with housing. Paige Porter ran a half marathon and raised 52K for houses, and now let me share with you an e-mail I received this week from a 10 year-old boy named Malcolm.

I am Malcolm Mitchell and I am 10 years old. I really want to try to get pepel to give some money for houses in Haiti. we were looking at pictures of the tents that the pepel are living in and I told my mom that we could do something. I like animals and I have some hens and me and my dad bult a coop and I was just thinking that the coop is a better house than the tents where children and babies live with all the mud. That just isn't fare! I want to walk to South Padre Island about 20 miles and kids and adults at my church and school and my mom and dad's work could give like $1 a mile or maybe more and that could get the money to buld at least one house. I want to call it houses for haiti. I think if we have so much we should all give some! Also my brother Caelan is really good with computers and he can make a website and a movie that I could show pepel who live other places and get them to give some more money. He is 12. I hope you like my idea and my mom said maybe you could find a family that we could buld the house for and help us get the money to haiti.

WOW, I responded right away with a $10 per mile pledge and I will make known his website as soon as he and his 12 year-old brother get it up and running. Praise God for kids like Malcolm and for families and churches that encourage their children to love their neighbors as themselves.

CONNECTING

I really like the opening sentence in the authors' notes of Dekker and Bright's book: BLESSED CHILD. "God often brings His children together in the most unusual ways to accomplish His unique tasks."

HOW ROSEMON CAME TO US?

Rosemon lost his mother and father in the earthquake and he himself suffered head, face, and arm/hand injuries. Please remember the above quote as I tell the story of how Rosemon came to us.

It began last Summer when after church I was greeting the people and I greeted a couple of guys who I hadn't seen before and who both had big camping type backpacks. I could tell that they were visiting Haiti and as I spoke with them that they would be traveling around a bit but things didn't seem sure. They were kind of ratty looking, which I like, and so I invited them to our house to come and eat as we were having a bunch of people over. They came and it was great to get to know them. I saw them the next week in church and then the week after as well and they asked if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could they camp out in our back yard. I of course said, "no" but they can stay with us inside the house as long as they like. So they stayed for a few days and headed out visiting people and ministries and they stayed with us several more times before they left Haiti after several weeks.

They told me that there was a guy from Ohio who'll I'll call M who helped them financially come to Haiti. They weren't sure of all that he did but he was generous in helping them pay for their trip. So then several weeks or perhaps a few months later we get visitors to our house and it in M and his wife. We had never met but somehow they found out where we lived and came to visit. It was a good visit and they told us that their son and daughter and law (J AND J) were coming to Haiti to live. Mrs M was crying and so was Beth and I was kind of standing out of the way. We assured them that we would contact them and spend some time with them and help them acclimate to Haiti. They after they came also enter our Kreyol class and ate with us several times.

So now we have the earthquake and they had a young man who had lost part of his foot due to falling blocks who they were taking to the Israelis Field Hospital. The Israelis took the young man but only after J and J agreed to take a boy who had been injured from them. So they said, "yes" and they took Rosemon and then brought him to us and asked if we could take him. We did and are we ever glad that the connection was made by inviting two ratty look young men to our house after church.

Rosemon and his grandmother have become such a part of our community and lives. We are in the process of getting the land on which their house had fallen prepared so that we can put up a house for them. God in his wisdom is a master at connecting people to fulfill His purpose even though at the time you couldn't begin to see what God has planned.

I AM SO GLAD THAT HE HAS CONNECTED HEARTLINE TO YOU AND YOU TO HEARTLINE. ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW THIS CONNECTION WILL BE USED TO FULFILL GOD PURPOSE.

We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him. They are the ones God has chosen for his purpose. Romans 8:28

YOUR SUPPORT IS MAKING A DIFFERENCE. HELP US TO HELP OTHERS. CLICK HERE TO DONATE.

John McHoul

Almost a month! Did you miss me?

2010-06-15T13:18:00.000-06:00

Life has been INSANE. School didn't end until June 4th. Several kids had science projects due, there were field trips and end-of-year parties and all that. Jason, who is working on a master's program at Denver Seminary, finished the spring semester and immediately started a 2 week intensive that had him in school 5 days each week, homework in the evenings, papers due, reading... you get the idea- and he does still have a full-time job. On top of all that I got sick 3 times in 4 weeks. One of my illnesses was food poisoning of some kind. Wow. That was one of the most miserable nights of my life.

We've celebrated my birthday, Mother's Day, Jason's birthday and John's birthday. My mother-in-law came to visit. We've had special stuff going on at church. I put in an organic garden that is quite large. I've been attempting to Spring clean AND soon we're going on a family trip that I'm also trying to get us ready for. Did I mention that life has been INSANE???

There is much to blog about and yet I'm short on time.

I want to tell you more about my journey toward living more simply. I still need to go to the next level with my blogger experiment on homosexuality. I've been thinking a TON about how God intended church to look and why most churches don't seem to closely resemble that and what I need to do about it for me. I want to tell you about my organic garden and how amazing it is to watch seeds sprout into little plants and then watch those plants grow and start to produce food.

I also want to tell you about how calm and well-behaved the kids have been lately inspite of all the insanity. I've got pictures to show from the birthday celebrations and fun family times. And, after our trip, there will be much more.

I guess all this is just to let you know that I do still have intentions of posting here and I wanted to list out some of the things that I want to talk about so that I don't forget. Hopefully this will also add a little accountability to the mix so that I'll get back here sooner to start catching up.

With His Back to Me

2010-05-20T11:14:00.000-06:00

I took John to the doctor today because I noticed on Mother's Day that his cheek didn't look quite right. There was a dimple there that he didn't have before. When I asked him about it he said that 'a couple of months ago' he was playing roller hockey with the neighborhood kids and he fell down. As he fell Caleb rolled, at high speed, right into his cheek with his inline skate. Ummm... ouch.

John said it hurt really bad so he sat out of the game for a few minutes before resuming play. And, he never said a word about it to Jason or me. Anyway, back to Mother's Day, I notice this dimple and Jason and I start prodding around on his face and feel a chunk of something floating around inside his cheek! So I took him in today to see if my boy had broken his face 'a couple of months ago' and I never noticed. (Can I just point out that 'a couple of months ago' could have been 3 days to boys this age? Right? I mean, surely I'm not that unobservant, am I?)

Anyway, his face is not broken- it's just an internal injury called a ceroma? or something that needs time to heal. NO biggie.

The reason I bring this story up is what happened while we waited for the doctor to come into the exam room. John crawled up on the table and the nurse took all his vitals and then she left. John then proceeded to turn toward the wall, with his back to me, and he stared silently at the wall until the doctor came in. He was calm and still- but not relaxed. He was SOOOO uncomfortable being alone with me. It doesn't happen very often by virtue of the size of our family so I haven't had very many opportunities to observe this. It was truly heartbreaking to me. I did not try to point it out to him. I didn't try to make small talk. I just sat and watched my boy who seemed to be in awkward agony simply because he didn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to initiate conversation with an adult unless he wants something. He is deathly afraid for an adult to think he might want to be with them- even though he REALLY does. He is completely unable to relax around me, especially. He doesn't know what to do with himself.

I'm not sure where I'll go with this from here. I haven't had time to think that much about it yet, but the boy needs to find a way to feel safe with me and I think that way is in my hands. I am the one who must find a way to reach him.

At night when I tuck the kids in I tell each one of them that I love them. He gets so embarrassed by this and he says it back to me but it is like torture for him. He giggles so uncomfortably every time. We kind of joke about it and I just keep saying it hoping that one day it will feel more natural.

He is a good boy. He has come SOOOOOOOOO far. He is also annoying and sometimes hard. It isn't always easy to want to persue one-on-one time with him but he needs it. I need it. It is my job (and Jason's job) to teach him how to grow up to be a man. Being comfortable in your own skin- especially around those who love you- is probably one of the foundations of that.

Help Me Help Haiti!!

2010-05-10T17:41:00.001-06:00

My children lived in an orphanage in Port-au-Prince for around 3 years before they came home to us. During their time there they were loved on by two amazing women- Jamie and Ali McMutrie. These 2 sisters who grew up in the Pittsburgh area have given their lives to the people of Haiti. The driving force in their work is to see mommas find a way to keep their babies. They do not want for any more children to have to leave the loving arms of their mommas in order to find nutrition, education and hope for the future. After that as their first priority, their second priority is the reality that despite their efforts there will continue to be thousands of children who are true orphans or who have no family that can feasibly provide the basic necessities for them. They want to care for these orphans and help them find loving forever families.

(Recently I got to attend a fundraising event that Jamie and Ali spoke at- their vision and heart is contagious and I'm so excited to get to be a part of what they are doing!)

These 2 women have proven themselves for many years as honest, loving and dependable. They have proven their commitment to the mommas, the kiddos and all the people of Haiti. They have dreamed for several years of building a new orphanage and have recently purchased some land outside of Port-au-Prince where they intend to do just that. The plans they have had drawn up are amazing. The orphanage will be on some land that already has fruit-bearing trees and they will plant more crops to help feed the children who live there. They also dream of having small farm animals such as chickens and goats. There will be a clinic that will open its doors to the surrounding community to help provide medical care. A school will provide an education to not just the orphans, but the neighboring children as well. And Jamie and Ali will employ local adults to care for the children, educate them, feed them, protect them and to maintain the facilities and care for the crops and animals.

All of these things will help the local families stay together. There will be hope for these families that the parents will be able to provide for the children while the children are educated and grow up with the means to help provide for themselves and their extended family.

This coming Sunday I am volunteering at the Colorado Colfax Marathon. (Please note that I am volunteering at the race- NOT running. I do not run. Not even 4 feet.) A local nonprofit that was started specifically to help the children of Haiti is teaming up with Jamie and Ali to help raise funds to build this new orphanage which will be called Nouvo Vilaj (New Village). The name of that nonprofit is The Road to Hope. Even though I am not running you can still sponsor me as a volunteer. Just click HERE to make your tax-deductible donation! Every penny of your donation will go directly to this building project. Not one dime will be spent on administrative fees or overhead costs.

Help me help Haiti!

Monika

2010-05-08T09:57:00.000-06:00

When Anna was 3 she asked me one night why she had to go to bed by herself in her room when Caleb and Ethan got to be together and Daddy and I got to be together. She didn't like not having someone to share her room with.

And now she has Monika. Monika is an amazing big sister. She cares so much about Anna and they have a beautiful friendship. I love to watch them play together- as they pretend to be mommas or teachers, grown up sisters or store owners. When they play the 5+ years between them disappear.

We couldn't have hoped for these 2 girls to have a more special connection than they do. Monika is very tidy and she teaches Anna how to keep their room neat and clean. They are constantly organizing and rearranging, vacuuming and then starting in again. It seems to be part of their play.

Even on the hard days- and you know we have them- I am so thankful for both of these girls that they have each other. I don't know how soon a day will come when Monika moves into a new stage of life and she and Anna stop playing the way they do- but for now it is a treasure and her relationship with Anna definitely helps to endear her to me.

My First Born, Caleb

2010-05-07T15:30:00.001-06:00

Caleb fits all the descriptors for a first born- he's responsible, his world is black and white, he's an over-achiever, he expects perfection of himself. While he's, of course not perfect, my main role as his mom has not been as disciplinarian. He's just a super good kid. Jason and I find our role needs to be more about showing him we love him for him, not for his perfect performances.

From day one Caleb's physical stature has been on the, shall we say, more vertically challenged side? He's just not very big for his age. We actually waited an extra year to send him to kindergarten- NOT because he wasn't emotionally and mentally ready- but only because of his small size. And even though he's a year older than almost every other kid in the entire 4th grade, he's still shorter than all but maybe 1 or 2 kids out of well over 100 students.

I'm so glad we did that. If you're ever questioning if you should wait a year before sending one of your children, especially your boys to school, just do it! I've never met anyone who has regretted that decision but I've talked to lots of moms who wished they had.

That extra year has given Caleb a leadership edge. He is such a great leader. He desperately wants to be liked and so he'll sometimes follow- but most of the time he wants to lead. He is confident and smart and he is driven to choose right over wrong most of the time.

When we brought Monika and John home, Caleb's role as the oldest was stripped from him by a mere 3 1/2 months. Monika is just a tad bit older. He struggled through that, and the fact that she was also quite a bit taller than him, and he came out still the leader in this pack of 5. We have worked hard to make sure that he maintains the role of 'first born.' He often earns privileges far in advance of any of the other children. (Keep in mind that while M is older she is not yet as mature in any aspect and therefore not ready for many of the privileges that he has- we're not doing this to shame her or point out a vast contrast in her status in the family vs. his- it's just the way things are.)

As I think about being Caleb's mom today I am just so proud of him. He has been handed some things that have been unfair- but he has faced them and has come out strong and confident and faithful to himself and his relationship with his family and his God. It was hard for me to let his role be usurped but I felt very strongly that the trials that would bring to him would be a huge part of shaping him into the man God wants him to be. He can do this. He is doing this. And he brings me so much joy as I watch him thrive.

Ethan

2010-05-06T13:46:00.000-06:00

When Ethan was just an infant- during one of his early doctor appointments (ya know, when you're going in every few days, then weeks- when it's hardest to get there especially with 2 tiny kiddos and you're beyond exhausted and still recovering from a c-section and the hormones are beyond whacked?)- the nurse was measuring every part of his body and weighing him and jotting down the numbers and statistics. Then the doctor came in and started looking at those statistics and he seemed concerned. Ethan's head was so so large and his soft spot was big and round so the doctor made an appointment for us at Children's hospital to have an ultrasound done, just to rule out hydrocephalus. What?

I had gone to that appointment by myself, with both kids, because Jason had a meeting at work and it was time for me to start doing the 2-kid thing on my own. As I drove home I played the doc's concerns over and over in my head and I went to the worst possible case scenario. My best friend lived just a block from me and I was in complete panic mode by the time I got to our neighborhood so I went straight to her house. I sat on her couch and sobbed uncontrollably. I held that precious baby boy and wondered how long I would get to hold him- wondered if he would be stolen from me.

By far- that was my scariest moment as a momma. My BFF calmed me down and listened well like best friends do. She said all the right things and helped me get a grip (at least for the moment).

Taking Ethan to Children's for the ultrasound was so hard. To sit in the waiting area and look around at all these children with all these heart-wrenching conditions while wondering if we would soon be used to coming here- if this place was about to become a routine part of our lives- ugghhhh- I will never forget that waiting room. And, in spite of the fact that the news is not always this good for everyone, Ethan's ultrasound showed that he was perfectly fine. He was completely healthy. He just had a big head. (:

Even remembering that time brings back the feelings of panic. It's also a time that stands as a reminder to me of the depth of love that we, as moms, hold in our hearts but can rarely stand to truly acknowledge. The love is so huge and so consuming that it is in some ways a massive open wound that we feel deeply every time one of our kiddos is injured, or receives a broken heart, or gets sick. We feel their pain for more deeply than they do.

My Ethan. He is so so smart. And funny- oh my goodness- the boy has a crazy, sarcastic sense of humor that is far beyond his age. He is melancholy. He sees the worst in himself. And when he does that- I hurt so deeply for him. Sometimes he is dark and even scary in his view of the world. He is so different in his depth of thinking than any of the other kiddos. I love how perceptive he is and I love his sarcasm. I ache to be able to help him be less critical of himself while at the same time I never want to take away what makes him tick.

I don't think I have talked on here about him nearly as much as I have any of the other kids. He's the middle child and I fear that he gets overlooked far more than he should. My love for him has always carried a more vivid reminder of the way loving our kids undoes us like nothing else can. I don't even know how to really put it into words. I can't imagine my world without him and I am so so grateful to my God that he is this amazingly healthy and awesomely wonderful little fella that I cannot get over. I'm gone over him.

It's John's Turn

2010-05-05T09:39:00.000-06:00

Oh John. He pretty much wraps every single adult around his finger from the moment they lay eyes on him. He is sooooo stinkin' cute. And he's cool too- all the kids in every grade know who he is and call out to him in the hallways and on the playground.

Now the boy still has some 'stuff' that is not always fun. He doesn't always remember to think first, know what I mean? And sometimes he still needs to manipulate and control. BUT I have seen him change and grow and maybe, just maybe, heal a little bit- and that gives me such incredible hope.

For the longest time, even though I knew he was learning how to read, he refused to read out loud to me. Oh, he would do it because it was required, but he would speak so softly and mumble so badly that it was impossible to know if he was actually reading or maybe speaking in tongues. Last week, though, when I asked him to read he sat up tall and read every word loud and clear. He knew he could do it. He was proud of himself. And I was proud of him. And when he finished the book and looked up at me with clear eyes because he was regulated and in control of himself- I needed that. I needed to see that moment and be reminded that he has come a long long way. And he and I needed to have that little happy-dance celebration where we recognized what he had accomplished.

I've Been Absent For Awhile

2010-05-04T14:18:00.001-06:00

because I forgot- for way too long- to look for what IS beautiful about my life. I got stuck in the hard stuff, AGAIN, and couldn't see what was good.

We've dealt with lots of lying lately. And LOTS of playing dumb. Oh, and there's some new stuff- like minor false reports and a little stealing. I got way bogged down by it all. I gave my power to those things rather than letting those things be minor in light of all that is GOOD. And there is so much that is really, really good.

Mother's Day is coming up- and I don't long to celebrate that day in a very traditional sense. I usually want to be 'away' from my family that day. I want a break. I guess, in some ways I want to pretend like I don't have any hard stuff that I deal with. But today, I am going to focus on what I LOVE about being a mom to Anna. And, each day this week, I want to do the same for each of my other children.

Last night, after school, Anna and I went to the mall. Just the two of us. Oh, that girl. I LOVE that girl. She is sunshine and roses, rainbows and laughter. She moves thru life with joy and innocence and sheer delight. We ate in the food court- because she 'loves the food court- there are so many choices there!' Then we went to see the puppies- and of course she was delighted by each and everyone of them- and if I could have, I would have purchased one for her to bring home. (Despite the fact that I am NOT a pet person and do NOT want a puppy, if I could, I would give one to her.)

I had $7 in reward money at Hallmark so she got to get a mini-Webkinz for free. She was so thankful and so excited. We found her a swimsuit for this summer that was less than $12. She was beside herself and so grateful. She had her money with her so she bought herself a pair of sunglasses that she wore the rest of the evening. As soon as she put them on her entire demeanor changed. She was a movie star. She flung her arm out with her little purse dangling and swung it and her hips as she sauntered the rest of the way thru the mall. What a crack up.

We ended our time together by purchasing cupcakes from YumYums- a kiosk in the mall that sells just cupcakes. I had told her we would do this before we left and she asked me about it several times before we finally got there- concerned that we might not really get to eat one of those fancy treats.

This morning Anna came downstairs and said, "Mom, last night was the best night ever with you!"

You mean she still thinks I'm fun to be with?? She likes me?? She wanted to be with me?? I get pretty convinced way too often that I am mean and angry and really NOT fun and that none of my children want to spend time with me. I think way too often that they would far rather be with their Daddy, or their friends, or each other (or maybe even by themselves) than they would with me. She had the best night ever with me- I hope she remembers those moments far better than the moments when I am no where near being the Mom I want to be.

This Made My Day

2010-04-12T15:00:00.000-06:00

This video is AWESOME all by itself. Read the story below, as well- and this video tells a story of strength and hope and joy that miraculous and unexplainable.

Go HERE to make a donation to help the amazing survivors in Haiti!!

By Barbie B. - repost from her blog

"Survivor"
Go online and search out Destiny's Child "I'm a Survivor". Hook up your speakers, turn the volume on high, with a whole lot of base, and with apologies to your next door neighbors, and rock the house. Then close your eyes and listen to the chorus. And imagine what we saw today...

We were discouraged. We'd lost our physical therapist to a family emergency, and our patients appeared unmotivated without his constant encouraging presence. Moods were low. Apathy was setting in. Oppressive heat overwhelmed our tarp covered courtyard hospital. Little six year old Dina, now in a walking cast from her open tib-fib fracture, refused to throw down her crutches and bear weight on it. Afraid. Lillian, 10 year old with an externally fixated femur fracture...crying with each episode of physical therapy, more and more fearful of the pain. 59 year old Leeann, lying stoically in bed 23 hours a day, not exercising her healing leg -- going backwards in progress. Our 76 year old below the knee amputee Genine, needing to learn how to walk again, having a difficult time even standing. 20 year old Amanda, with her paralyzed left arm and shattered left leg, lying sadly and disinterested in her cot, staring blankly into the distance.

We'd hit a stumbling block.

"We just need to get them MOVING..." one nurse said.

"Maybe we could get them to do PT together..." someone else said.

"It needs to be fun," someone else said.

And the idea spiraled. It started from the knowledge of the perhaps little known fact, outside of our hospital, that our Haitian patients have innate and amazing rhythm. And soul. Every night, they sing and clap and stomp together in song in impromptu mass that goes on sometimes for hours. Rocking the house. Rocking the neighborhood over the cinderblock walls, beyond the plastic tarp that is our roof.

And then there was the film "Madagascar," which has been shown here at night projected on a white cotton sheet against the wall. A Disney film in French, about shipwrecked zoo animals landing in the wilds of Madagascar with a bunch of lemmings who break out into fabulous song, singing a hip deep base beat, "You got to move it, move it. You've got to move it, move it. You've got to move it, move it...MOVE IT!!" Nothing more fabulous than to watch heads start to bob and hands start to sway to the rhythm as all of the patients start to sing along to the beat.

It became obvious that our patients have rhythm.

"Let's make them exercise to "Move it!"" recommended someone else. We all laughed. Then someone said, "No, really!"

No. Really.

Fantastic.

So, somehow it happened that we pulled out the electric sound system used to project movies on the wall at night. And plugged it into Dr. Jen's computer. A quick search of her ITunes files revealed a great assortment of deep beat, hip, rhythmic dance tunes. Including the song, "You all ready for this???!!" -- normally danced to at NFL halftime shows by cheerleaders in skimpy tops and pompoms.

We walked around to each patient and said, "In a minute, we're going to turn on the music, and you will do your PT."

Some patients were assigned a helper. Amputees were given the task -- stand and balance on your strong leg, and try to squat up and down. Bilateral casted patients -- stand up with your walker and balance, then sit back down. Young Dina, who refused to walk without her crutches...when the music starts, you will walk on your cast...with one crutch, not two. Young Lilian, who starts to cry at the idea of physical therapy -- you will stand with your crutches and walk around. Each patient assigned a task. They all looked at us curiously, a little dubiously. A little apathetically. A generalized look that shouted, disinterestedly, "Ok, whatever..."

But then, the magic happened.

This was no circus music. No elevator music. No polka or grandma's parlor music. This was raging urban hip hop, rhythm, with wicked base and deep musical soul. Yes, this music required apologies to the neighbors over the cinderblock walls for its volume. Yes, it perhaps shook a bit of dust off the walls. Yes, it was played like your car stereo when you drive speeding down the highway with the volume cranked, bass turned all the way up. Because on the count of three, when Renauld our interpretor turned DJ hit "PLAY", at two in the boring afternoon at our Haitian Field Hospital, he literally rocked the house.

"YOU ALL READY FOR THIS????" the song called, followed by the deep rhythmic beat of sound. Sound which suddenly forced patient's eyes open, pulled giant smiles from their mouths. Heads began to bob. Feet began to tap. Eyes afire with life as the sound system blared its rhythm across the courtyard. I helped our 76 year old amputee onto her one leg. Her shoulders started to sway in rhythm. A smile crinkled her aged, wrinkled cheeks. 10 year old Lillian, afraid to stand, threw down her crutches and danced with her hips swaying and arms undulating rhythmically, balancing crutchless for the first time. Dina marched to the beat on her casted foot. Amanda lay in her cot, brilliant smile, rhythmically rolling her shoulder to the beat. Song after song, shining smile after smile. Little Emmanuel, 3 year old boy with the crushed face, stood in the center of the courtyard and danced. Smiles and rhythm of joy. Old and the young. Nurses and patients and translators and visitors. Rocked the house.

Then the last song, I'm a Survivor, by Destiny's Child, began to play. I paused as I stood in the middle of the courtyard, slowly turning around to see the patients dancing and swaying and squatting and bending and smiling -- incidental physical therapy amidst the endorphin releasing joy of blaring song. Dancing like they were 16 again...perfect...whole...young...strong...in their bedroom secretly in front of their mirror. In a club. At a rock concert. A better day. A freer, more innocent day. Rebelliously blaring the music.... The deep, strong African American female voice pounded forcefully from the speaker in front of me. With each lyric, my eyes glanced off of each patient...their stories of survival...of pain...of endurance...of recovery...of spiritual resilience...flashed into my mind. Fabulous...

I'm a survivor...

I'm not gonna give up...

I'm not gon' stop...

I'm gonna work harder...

I'm a survivor...

I'm gonna make it..

I will survive...

Keep on survivin'....

I'm a survivor...

I'm not gonna give up...

I'm not gon' stop...

I'm gonna work harder...

I'm a survivor...

I'm gonna make it...

I will survive....

Keep on survivin'...

I'm Gonna Go There- 7 Year Old Boy Sent Back To Russia

2010-04-09T17:21:00.002-06:00

Update: Corey posted about this topic on her blog too- and she did so amazingly well. Go check it out here.

So, I don't get in the middle of much, politically. I don't usually like to take big stories that are in the news and discuss them here. I'd rather just not get involved. But I'm getting more and more frustrated by the lack of available resources for adoptive parents so I'm gonna talk about this one.

It's all over the news- family decides they're 'done' with a 7 year old boy they adopted from Russia so they write up a letter and toss him on a plane, alone, and ship him back to Russia. And the media is going ballistic. Everyone wants to know- what kind of hateful, abusive, unloving and irresponsible parents could possibly do something so horrific??

I don't know those parents. And I CERTAINLY do not agree with the path they chose. What I do believe with every fiber of my being is that they WERE loving and kind when they brought that little boy home. They had ALL the best of intentions. They could have NEVER imagined coming to the end of their rope in the way that they did. They believed that if they loved their boy enough, he would heal. He would become whole. He would wake up one day and the rage in his soul from the indescribable injustices that had been perpetrated on him- that rage would be gone and replaced by peace. And on that day- he would stop abusing his adoptive family.

Unfortunately, if that family's experience is like the many many experiences I read about and learn about on an almost daily basis- then that family looked for services and found NO ONE qualified to help them. And, if by some rare chance they did find someone, they COULD NOT afford the fees andor the wait list was months and months long. I don't know of a health insurance plan that covers Reactive Attachment Disorder and the extensive therapy needed to treat it. I also don't know of a tried and true therapy that has been proven to consistently work for these very sick kiddos.

I have friends in my adoption world whose adopted kids have raped their siblings repeatedly, murdered their pets, and threatened their mothers with very viable plans to murder them. I have friends whose kids have started fires in their homes, who've been sexually inappropriate with animals, who've fondled other children at school. These parents adopted for the SAME reason that every adopted parent adopts- they longed to give a home to a child who would otherwise not have a family. They believed all the best for their kids. They prayed and read and cried out to God to heal their children.

Russia is outraged about how this little boy was treated- and they should be. They should also be outraged that that little boy was beaten in one of their orphanages and because of the way he was treated there- along with whatever other heartbreak he endured in his little life- his soul was crushed and broken- quite possibly beyond repair. Children who live in orphanages- well, it's just not good. The soul and mind of a person is a strange thing- some children, for some unknown reason, are far more resilient then others. But some children cannot come back from the nightmare that is visited upon them when they are completely powerless to fight against it.

I so wish that they had found another way. I wish even more that they had known in advance what they were signing up for. More and more parents are coming to the end of themselves as they watch their families torn apart by the fear and rage of a little being they only wanted to love. More and more adoptions are being disrupted because to keep a child of such brokenness in the family would be to allow trauma and abuse to family members that is incomprehensible and intollerable.

It should not be so easy to adopt older children. MUCH more training should be required. Parents should KNOW so much more than they do before they are handed the responsibility of attempting to reach the broken soul of these shattered lives. If the experts are at a loss- how do we, as parents, possibly think we can do better?

FREE and accessible therapy, respite care and education needs to be available to EVERY adoptive parent- and if that is not possible then, it is my opinion, that parents should not be allowed to adopt older children if they are not educated in advance as to the REALITY of what to expect as well as have the financial means to secure any and all medical and psychological care necessary for their child.

There you have it. I went there.

Need to Regroup

2010-04-07T13:13:00.000-06:00

We're having a rough time here- and by 'we' I mean Monika and I.

I've lost touch with any compassion and mercy that I should have and I've pulled way back. Mostly I've been trying to not interact with her whenever possible. I know that this is not healthy or helpful. I know I need to fake it at the very least. I am not doing what I should be doing right now. I'm tired, frustrated and yes, angry. I've got to regroup.

Monika is increasingly mad that she lives here. She wants to go back to Haiti. She thinks that adoption is terrible. She is becoming more and more moody, defiant, dishonest and manipulative.

I feel like it's all on me to make the difference. If I am loving and compassionate and funny and kind no matter how she acts, then she has a chance to heal. If I have kind eyes and a soft voice and give her enough hugs then she can learn to trust again. Well, when I'm mad and burnt out and I want to give up- then that must mean that she can't heal or learn to trust and I'm further cementing the damage that her past gave her.

So I'm re-reading my attachment parenting books and taking breaks and all that- but the good stuff hasn't come back yet. Got. to. regroup.

Can You Convince Me? A Blogger Experiment.

2010-04-01T12:38:00.000-06:00

Can you convince me, a suburban housewife who lives in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation, that I can be relevant to the people around me while living MUCH simpler than I do? What should that LOOK like? I grew up believing that it was important to be frugal and not overly wasteful- but this was primarily driven by my mom's desire to be financially responsible.

When we first moved here, I was enthralled with how wealthy everyone was and completely consumed with matching their lifestyles. I wanted it all! I went to the mall all the time and I shopped at Ann Taylor and Nordstroms. We couldn't support the lifestyle, just as I assume many others around here can't either, but credit cards were my friend.

5 years in, Jason left corporate America and went to work for our church- and took a significant cut in pay to do so. I wasn't ready to give up my lifestyle so I kept swiping the cards. Lots more debt.

Then came the call to adopt and well, that's not exactly free, but God was faithful to provide in spite of me. With the adoption my heart and mind were awakened to the reality of how the vast majority of the world lives. I had 'heard' about reality, but hadn't ever decided to think about it, ponder it, allow it to matter to me. Somewhere along the way I read Shane Claiborne's book, 'The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical.' That further awakened me to MY responsibility- to how, if I want to be like Jesus, I need to be about the things he was about.

Then my efforts and time were taken over by the adoption process and parenting kids with attachment issues and, while I was definitely more aware, I didn't ever make any drastic changes. I think I might be ready now.

Lately I've been reading about living simpler in order to have more to share and give away and in order to use less so as to leave more for those who come after me. I just finished a book called 'enough: Contentment in an Age of Excess' by Will Samson and it was really good, but I need more practical stuff to dive into. I need to pull Claiborne's book back out and look at how he did things, but I remember feeling a little overwhelmed by that book. I am not single and I don't live in the inner city. Someday I may live in a community that 'needs' much more from me- but the vast majority of people around me, well, they live a lifestyle that is several steps above mine.

I want to know how I can practically live a simpler way- right where I am. And, how can I model it attractively for those around me? I don't want to become an extremist who is no longer relevent to where I actually live. Am I making any sense?

I'm willing to go somewhere else, should God lead us there someday- but this is where we are right now. Tell me what you do- how do you live a conscientious lifestyle? What are some things that you do differently than others specifically to be more socially and environmentally conscience? And, can you tell me how it really looks as you walk thru your day. Can you tell me how to do it? This is so silly, but I start to think about simple things like washing my hair less often and I get stuck (go ahead and laugh- but tell me what to do!) Are there 'dry' shampoos that I can brush thru my hair? How can I look clean and put together AND use less water, shampoo, etc? THAT is how basic I need you to get with me. Your advice should be presented as if you were writing for 'Living Simply for Dummies.' And if you know some good books or websites- point me in the right direction!

I'm a total newbie.

A Beautiful Prayer

2010-03-31T12:52:00.000-06:00

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilites that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
-St. Teresa of Avila

I'd Like Some Perspective, Please.

2010-03-30T17:22:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm doing 2 posts back to back. I know... totally unheard of for me. But I'm on a roll so I'm going with it.

I'd like to get some thoughts from some of you other mommas of kids with attachment issues. Or, maybe what I'm going to ask about has nothing to do with attachment stuff... so I guess if someone else has ideas than I'd like to hear those too!

I have found myself frustrated with Monika's inability to understand how the world works. I've often thought that she was pretending to not know just for the attention she might get or something. But lately I've started to wonder and then in the post that I linked to in my previous post- the mom references her daughter doing the same thing and it got me to thinking...

In that post she says, "Except that Diamond habitually lies and is so delayed at 10 that she asks if they killed a real baby when the baby on Little House on the Prairie died."

Yesterday Monika, who is 11, asked if people get jobs based on where they live, like how kids go to school based on this. Ummm... no. Today, after Caleb received a text on his new cell phone from his grandma, she said, "Oh! You should tell her you got a phone for your birthday!" Uh...I'm just guessing, but I think she probably knows that? Later, after going to Casa Bonita for Caleb's birthday party, she wanted to know if the people who run the restaurant know how to turn off the waterfall. Really? (BTW, Casa Bonita is a crazy 'theme' restaurant with horrible food, an arcade and a huge waterfall that employees dive off of into 'shallow water.' I don't understand it all, but it's been in Denver forever- I went when I was a kid- and it's just something tourists do when they come to town with their kids.)

Anyway, she seems to struggle with this more when she is disregulated. And, today is Caleb's birthday, so she is disregulated. During her 'power sitting' session this morning I reminded her and John that they have a hard time allowing someone else to have a special day. They often misbehave in order to steal attention away from whoever is being celebrated. So, while she has worked really hard to not be naughty, and I SOOO appreciate this... I've also noticed that her thinking seems to be greatly diminished.

Any thoughts on why Monika does this? Is she delayed? Is this a manipulative way that she is trying to get attention? Are these legitimate questions coming from a girl who has only lived in a 1st world country for 2 years? What do you think?

She IS behaving well today and I really am thankful for that. After Caleb got his phone this morning, she went and got a new toy of hers that she hadn't even taken out of the package and just held it. I was impressed that she found a way to feel like she had something special too, without needing to take away from his moment. This afternoon, after he got a gift card and some cash in the mail she went and pulled out her money and a gift card she's been saving and just checked to see that everything was in order. Also great, that she recognized that she has those things too and she doesn't need to feel badly that Caleb got some today.

Baby steps.

Social Anxiety and Stuff

2010-03-30T16:51:00.000-06:00

I used to be the life of the party. One of my good friends used to jokingly say, 'where 2 or more are gathered, Laura is there,' because if there was a party going on- I wanted to be in the middle of it. (Not because I'm omnipresent- but don't tell my kids, k?)

Twice in the past couple of weeks I've gotten really nervous before going to someone else's house for dinner. That is SOOO unlike me- at least who I used to be. I started thinking about it and realized that my anxiety is directly related to my relationships with M and J. When I am not doing well with them- I don't want to be around other people. Other people ask me how things are going and then I feel very anxious and stuck. I can't lie- I'm no good at it and I hold myself and everyone else to a ridiculously high standard of telling the truth no matter what. But if I tell the truth- well- most people don't really want to hear it. It is awkward for them to hear about the behaviors that drive me crazy. It is uncomfortable for them when I say how angry I get and how I wish I didn't. They squirm when I tell them that I don't feel all the things I think I should feel and that I don't know what to do about that.

So, I get nervous and wish I hadn't committed to going to dinner. I have to have long talks with myself beforehand about breathing and not worrying and what not. And while I haven't found the right balance yet, I try to find a way to say that things are tough, but not worse than is to be expected, and we're working hard to help everyone feel safe... or something. Blah blah blah. It just stinks to have to have a pep talk with myself in order to try to enjoy an evening with friends. It used to be so much easier.

SO MANY things used to be so much easier.

I just recently started reading this blog and the author published her thoughts on this same issue about a week and a half ago. The stuff she doesn't know how to incorporate into small talk, though, is quite a bit bigger than my stuff.

Surprisingly, both evenings that I was nervous about actually turned out fine. One of them, that was sans kids, was truly fabulous. So, as is the case with MOST of life, perspective is FAR different from reality.

Spring Break

2010-03-29T09:55:00.000-06:00

Our kids' school is on a schedule called 'modified traditional.' So that means they get 2 weeks for fall, winter and spring breaks and then only 2 months for summer break. Overall I really like this schedule. Sometimes, though, 2 weeks with kids home isn't all that great. Sometimes I REALLY look forward to them going back to school.

Today we started week 2. I'm actually very pleased with how well they have been doing so far. I have a 'plan' for each week day that is helping to keep us focused and regulated. Monika and John are spending about 20 minutes at the start of each day doing something I call power sitting. They are sitting on the floor, looking at the wall, and they are supposed to be thinking about how strong they are going to be for the day. They are supposed to be thinking about being obedient, honest and respectful. Call me crazy, but I think it's working. While they other kids don't have to do it each day- because they are obedient, honest and respectful on a fairly consistent basis, they can easily earn 20 minutes of power sitting and each of them have at least once.

Now, I'm NOT naive- I have no illusions that they are actually thinking about their behavior or attitude while sitting there. Most likely they are sitting there thinking about how much they dislike me and all the wonderfully creative and completely disrespectful names they'd like to call me. The only reason I think that this is working is that I think they hate the sitting enough that they DO NOT want to earn more 20 minutes sessions throughout the day so each morning they are again reminded that it is better to do the right thing than earn more power sitting. Whatever. On the 2 days that I didn't require sitting they got in way more trouble than the days they have sat. SO... we're sticking with it.

Tomorrow is Caleb's 11th birthday. 11 years I have been a momma. 11 years ago today I was already in labor. My labor with Caleb lasted about 31 hours. NOT FUN. But by golly, I did it without an epidural, regardless of the fact that for the last 6 hours I was screaming and crying, "Please knock me out and cut him out of me! Please!!" Nobody listened. Fo my next labor with Ethan- I definitely got an epidural. And after his ended in a c-section- I just scheduled a c-section for Anna. Spinal blocks are FAR better than epidurals. In fact, if I could, I'd have one on a monthly basis at the spa.

That was a random tangent.

Caleb's birthday. He's getting a cell phone. I never thought I'd buy any of my kids one of those. But I did. Can you believe that he is one of only 3 kids in his class who doesn't have one? He's in the fourth grade for crying out loud!! Anyway, he is my super responsible, super obedient first born. I'm excited to be a little extravagant with him. Excited to get to show him in this crazy way that I appreciate him and understand his desire to fit in. We won't ever provide our kids all the things that all the other kids have, but occasionally, we want them to feel like they get to be a part. He's going to be beside himself when he opens that gift!

Was I Convinced?

2010-03-27T11:44:00.000-06:00

I am so excited about the responses you all gave regarding how you think homosexuality begins in a person's life.

An amazing friend asked me recently when I decided to be straight. So...what about you, when did you choose which way you'd go?

Yeah, I don't think anyone can site a day when they were unsure which way they'd go and then they flipped a coin or something.

I had hoped, if I'm honest, that someone would send me some scientific research. (: Surprised I didn't get any of that. I went searching around a little and found lots of reports that claimed that scientific research has confirmed that there is an actual gene that determines sexual orientation, but I haven't looked long enough yet to find any of the actual research. I am becoming increasingly convinced that being gay or straight or bi or completely uninterested- is NOT a choice. Regardless of whether the decision is made at conception or birth, or because of life experiences... or a combination of many factors... I do not think that people sit around contemplating their options and then pick one.

I am so honored that several of the comments were from gay men and women who took the time to talk so openly to little me. I really appreciate how well thought out your responses were and how clearly you talked about your own experiences. I know that I hadn't really thought about the question of when/how 'being gay' started in a person's life until just a couple of years ago, specifially because I had been taught that it was a rebellious choice made by sinners. I confess that for the vast majority of my life I never took the time to ask individuals for their stories. I didn't know about 3rd grade crushes and life-long pain because I made judgemental assumptions based on what I thought I knew to be absolute truth. As I find more and more things to be less black and white- I wonder how many more 'absolutes' I'll find in my belief system that just aren't based on Truth.

Several commentors did decide to go ahead and go past this question to address whether or not homosexuality is right or wrong. I want to explore this further on another day, but for now, I want to throw this thought out there to keep you thinking...

Is 'being homosexual' a sin? For those reading this who believe that living a homosexual lifestyle is a sin- if a person is born gay is that a sin they commited from the get go? I understand that we all have a sin nature. I do believe that we all are born in need of a Savior. But I struggle with phrases like this, "It is hard to convey that I simply believe God's word and his word is clear that homosexuality is sin." And, April, you know I love you and think you are amazing so I'm not trying to pick on you- I just think that this is a fairly widely-held idea in the Christian world (one I have definitely believed myself) and I'm curious as to how you and anyone else who is reading this- would further comment on that idea.

Thanks again to everyone who has participated in this discussion so far!

Can You Convince Me? A Blogger Experiment.

2010-03-23T17:42:00.000-06:00

People are opinionated, aren't they? And when they have an opinion about a topic- they're pretty sure they're right. Right? Well, I've found myself, over the past 4 years or so, increasingly confused about many of the things I used to think were black and white.

So this is what I'm thinking. I've got an idea for a little experiment and if it goes well I'm going to occasionally pose a question on here about something that I'm just not sure about anymore. My challenge to you is, can you convince me that you know the absolute right answer about said question? Keep in mind that, if the question is a 'spiritual question' I have gone to church my whole life. I have been actively involved, by choice, since I was in college. I have studied the Bible, at least to some degree. And, at some point in my life I was certain I knew the right answer. Certain. I mention this to encourage you to not just quote scripture to me as an answer because verses can, and regularly are, taken out of context and/or misinterpreted. If you're going to use the Word of God to make your point- please back it up with some research and show me that you know what you're talking about. Feel free to also point me to research on the web that you think will help convince me of your viewpoint.

Your responses will need to be given in the form of comments to this post. I do not allow anonymous commenting because that only brings me lots and lots of spam. If you want to be anonymous anyway, please create an account with Google and give yourself a nickname. Its easy to do- go here. I will delete any comments that are rude, hateful, attacking and/or have foul language in them. So, if you want me to take you seriously and consider your opinion in any capacity, play nice. Should the need arise, I will turn on comment moderation and only publish comments that are appropriate.

After I read all the answers and weigh everyone's opinions, then I'll write out my thoughts and what spoke most clearly to me. And, if I have been convinced, I will definitely let you know that too!

My first question is one that will almost certainly lead to many more.

When I was growing up I was taught, or at least somehow came to believe, that being homosexual was a choice made by people who did not know God and who actually wanted to live a deviant lifestyle. I believed that kids in my high school who were 'coming out of the closet' were doing so specifically to be rebellious. I don't believe this to be true anymore. However, I've heard a lot of arguments about how homosexuality originates in a person's life. Can you convince me that you know how it begins? Is it biological, nurture, generational, something else entirely? How does it start?

FOCUS here people- I'm not asking for you to tell me if living a homosexual lifestyle is right or wrong, I'm asking about how it begins. Stick with this question for now- as I mentioned previously- I'm well aware that this will lead into more questions. And REMEMBER- if you're rude or hateful- your voice will not be heard here.

Paybacks

2010-03-16T17:39:00.000-06:00

That's what I'm getting from 2 of my kiddos. Can you guess which ones?

Momma went on a trip. Then Grandma came to visit. Then Mom and Dad left overnight. Then Grandma went home. M and J- not likin' all that so much.

They are t e s t i n g m e. Oh. my. goodness. This is like way back in the day type stuff. Silly me- I really thought we had moved past a lot of this.

I can say, without the tiniest doubt, that all of my traveling and our crazy schedule was worth whatever they're throwing at me now. And- I learned SO much from all my gals in Orlando that I am putting to GOOD use!

Last night both M and J ended up earning super early bedtimes- like 6:00 early. And, because they had to go to bed before dinner was ready- they had to eat some not-so-yummy food rather than the yummy food we had at dinner time. They ate a thin spread of peanut butter on 12 grain bread and some orange slices. They got water to drink. After they went to bed- the other kids got to have soda and pizza before Daddy took them out for ice cream. When he got back (with MY ice cream) we all enjoyed playing games together and staying up past normal bedtime.

It is really great to have a plan. I still get angry with them when they are SO belligerent, but at least I have some consequences lined up to pull out of my hat right in the moment. That helps me to respond better- in spite of how much I might be seething on the inside. And, when they dish out the paybacks they get to pay me back with their allowances, their time, their energy. I can handle that.

It is such a blessing to have other moms in my life who are struggling the way I struggle- not because I would wish this on anyone else- but because we have each other to learn from, grow with, cry with and definitely laugh with. This weekend when Monika pulled a whole new trick- I almost laughed out loud thinking about how some of my Orlando girls would have handled it. I am so thankful for the life-long friendships I was blessed to make one weekend when I took a risk and flew across the country to spend 5 nights in a luxury home filled with strangers.

Wow.

2010-03-10T10:01:00.001-07:00

I landed in Denver last night at about 5:30...coming home from one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

My time in Orlando with 8 other women- who I had not previously met 'in real life' was amazing. It was sacred, spiritual, beautiful, irreverant and hilarious, heart-wrenching, indescribable, unforgetable... We were brought together because we parent children who stretch us beyond what we think we can bear at times and because we love those kiddos to a point of desperation- we MUST find ways to reach them, mold them, bring them back from the brink.

We didn't 'do' a whole lot. We didn't have a strict schedule. We weren't there to shop or go to amuzement parks. We did go to a spa for a little pampering, and we went out for dinner one night at a crazy fun place, other than that- we spent the vast majority of our time hanging out in our fabulous villa chatting up some crazy amounts of girl talk.

The most memorable block of time, for me, was Saturday night- gathered round a dining room table with these 8 gorgeous women- for over 4 1/2 hours. We just talked. And talked and talked and talked. The laughter was sometimes howling, sometimes shrieking, sometimes belly laughing, sometimes breathless. The tears were accompanied by sobs, gut-wrenching pain, real understanding and heart-felt empathy.

Someone said that she missed her husband- not because he wasn't there, but simply because parenting her child with attachment disorder was so consuming they had very little energy left at the end of the day for each other. Oh how I have felt that loneliness.

Another momma talked about how she used to be fun and she misses being fun. Life is so full of consequences and fear, defiance and pain. I can't tell you how many times I have said that over the past year or more. I 'used to be the life of the party.' Now I often feel like I'm the one who brings the party down.

Every story that was told touched some, or all, of us because we have been there too, thought that too, felt those feelings, asked those questions.

MUCH of what happened in Orlando will stay IN Orlando. We had LOTS of 'you had to be there' moments. We have our own language now. We learned from each other and what we learned will help us be better mommas to our kiddos. Knowing how much we all experience that is so much the same will give us strength.

The weekend was everything I had hoped it would be- and so so SOOOO much more. I wish that I had been able to record every single story, belly laugh and memory so that I could relive them and draw on them repeatedly over the next year. And also because it would be really fun to have a little blackmail to hold over some of those crazy girls.

We're going again next year! The countdown has already begun. If you are reading this and knowing that you desperately need to have time away like this- with other mommas who get it- then start putting your pennies away right now. Start saving up. You do NOT want to miss the next one.

My girl, Corey, gets the credit for making the weekend happen. It was her brain child. She had the brilliant idea and she followed thru on it. You can read her take here. I got to room with Christine and you should be super jealous about that.

TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

2010-03-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Soooo... tomorrow's the day. The day I leave for Florida. The day I've been looking forward to for... awhile.

To say that I am excited would be the understatement of the year. I'm giddy and worthless and have been for a couple of weeks now.

Because the kids have been maintaining a pretty consistent goodness lately, I decided to wait until last night at bedtime to tell them I was going on a trip. (Mom going away and thus 'abandoning' children again = kids getting disregulated and behaving poorly.) The talk was going fairly well until I asked them, because I always remind them about this, 'does mom comes home after going on a trip.' When I don't remind them of this, John and/or Monika can easily jump to the conclusion that I won't be coming home and then when I do they pay me back HUGE for all the fear I left them with while I was gone.

Anyway, I asked them if they knew I would come back and Anna, who doesn't have attachment issues, and who doesn't live her days with irrational fears very matter-of-factly says, 'Well, you might not come back. 'Cause you could get in a car wreck and die. Or your plane could crash and you'd die and then you wouldn't come back."

Yes, Anna. Thank you very much for that. I think that was EXACTLY what Monika and John needed to hear tonight. I so so SOOOOOOO appreciate your helpfulness today. Excellent.

So, Jason may have his hands full while I'm gone. He can take it. He's tough like that.

Since I leave for the airport at around 5 in the morning and the kids are at school all day today and 2 kids have already earned an early bedtime- the time I have remaining with them during which they could really push my buttons is all of about 4 hours tonight after school. I can do that.

More Happy Stuff

2010-02-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

I gotta tell you about Monika.

The girl has been working SOOO hard. Disclaimer: please do not hear me say that she is healed or that she is completely attached to us or that I expect this behavior to last long term. All us adoptive mommas who have kids with attachment stuff know that as soon as we even say that our kids are doing better they immediately start to regress- even if they didn't hear us say it. Which did happen already, since I posted earlier this week that I was going to write about her. I'm pretty sure it's one of Murphy's Laws.

Anyway...late last year Monika had a pretty amazing break thru when she was able to verbalize to me that she disobeys and lies to me because she thinks that those behaviors let me know that she doesn't like me. In contrast to that, when she obeys and tells the truth she sends the message that she does like me. She was able to go even further than that and tell me that she doesn't like me because I am not her birth mom and I have different rules that seem unfair.

After I posted about that conversation my wise friend Christine told me to expect regression because Monika was going to regret laying so many of her cards on the table so she would become afraid and decide it would be better to sabotage the progress we made before I could use the new info against her. Yes, their thinking is that mixed up. And, as usual, Christine was right.

We had to cancel Monika's birthday party with her friends because she was so out of control with the lying. That was a SUPER hard thing for me to do. I hated it for her and, honestly, I was afraid of what other people would think about me- that they would see me as the 'mean' mom who had no compassion for the poor broken-hearted orphan girl whose life has already been so hard. And, truthfully, that did happen at some level and I survived it so kuddos to me.

Come January Jason and I realized that we needed a fairly significant consequence/motivator to get the girl's attention. We decided that Monika would need to give us 6 weeks of obvious effort toward honesty, respect, obedience and overall good behavior before she would get to enjoy a playdate or sleepover with a friend. She was NOT required to be perfect. She was allowed to make mistakes. She simply had to show a desire to make things right when she messed up and she had to have a good attitude MOST of the time. We told her that she needed to let us know when she was ready to start her 6 weeks.

She did not want to start the day that we had that conversation. A whole week went by- which, if she had gone ahead and gotten started would have been a great 1st week- she was a new kid. We started to think that maybe she had forgotten and that we should remind her but we held out a little longer and she finally approached Jason to let him know that she was ready to get started.

Today we have reached the goal- 6 weeks. Over the past 6 weeks she has been honest the VAST majority of the time. She has had a pleseant attitude. She has been helpful. She has done her homework well most of the time. She has been respectful. She has NOT been perfect. But when she has messed up she has chosen to pull it together and move forward rather than melt down into nastiness.

I am SOOOO proud of her. (I am also a little miffed.) I think that this shows me that she has the capability for so much more than I had allowed myself to expect from her. I question if maybe we could have gotten to this point a LONG time ago if I had handled things better all along. Maybe I have 'labelled' her with far more issues than she has ever had and therefore I have stunted her progress with my own low expectations. Who knows, really. I guess we'll see as we move forward. I can't go back but I can rethink some things now and do better tomorrow. Little does she know how high the bar has been raised. I know a lot more now about what she IS capable of and I'll be expecting great things.

Tomorrow Monika has a playdate with her best friend. I'm excited for her.

(Do I also get to say how proud I am of myself? I have been so much calmer. I have been more therapeutic in my parenting. I have been more patient. I can see a WHOLE lot of growth in myself as I look back. It feels SOOO good to know that I am teachable and that I CAN do better. One of my rewards is coming is less than a week! Christine- I'm gonna smother you with kisses! Or at least hug your skinny neck. Corey- same goes for you.)

Something a Little Lighter

2010-02-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

How 'bout some happy stuff.

In just 9 little days I will be here. Why? Well, because my friend Corey has the gift of prophecy and she knew way back last year some time that in March of 2010 I, along with 7 other ladies and herself, would all be desperate for a break. Desperate. And my husband, who is without a doubt the most amazing man on the planet, trusted Corey's prophetic word and gave me the go ahead to make plans to go to Florida and sit in the sun. It feels VERY VERY strange to be going on this fantastic get away while so many people are suffering. I haven't quite reconciled all that in my heart and mind yet, but I believe that this was all planned out and paid for before the earthquake for a reason. And I plan to take complete advantage of the time away.

I'll be hanging out with 8 other women- who I've never met in person- but who all parent kiddos like mine. I envision us laughing together, crying together, commiserating, and even pretending, for at least a little while, that we have no life other than the one we'll live there for a few short days. I am beyond excited and I feel so so blessed to have this amazing opportunity. 3 of the women have kept me sane on MANY occasions over the past 2 years as I've struggled to figure out how to parent my adopted children whose hearts have been broken by the life they've been handed. I cannot wait to hug those ladies necks!!!

One of the silly things I'm super excited about is the WARMTH. I have been cold now for...about 5 months. I am rarely ever warm. My legs and feet ache almost constantly from the cold. I purchased a space heater a few weeks ago for the first level of my house and last week I bought one of the most wonderful things I have ever owned- a heated mattress pad. I cannot even begin to tell you the thrill I experience when I crawl into a warm bed each night. So I'm checking here on a daily basis now to see what the forecast will be for the days I will be there. (: So far, it's lookin' pretty good.

That's one of my happy posts for this week. I've got plans to write another one because my Monika is doing some A. mazing work at being a family girl and I must brag on her.

UNICEF is EVIL

2010-02-22T08:40:00.001-07:00

PLEASE DO NOT EVER GIVE THEM A DIME. And repost this- facebook it- tweet it- help me spread the word!!

The power trip that they have been on since the earthquake is astounding. I cannot begin to understand why they have been allowed to do what they are doing. Money and power corrupt. This massive NGO has money- they give money to the government of Haiti- that government then bows to the NGO. Apparently they've gotten to our government too because even when the Haitian government does decide to do the right thing, like allow 12 orphans to leave the country and come to loving families in the US, the US cowers to UNICEF and says no.

Not only does UNICEF not want those kids to come to families here- they also don't want those kids to get care IN Haiti. Here is what happened yesterday after those 12, along with 20 kids who will eventually go to their French families, were taken to another orphanage in order to live inside for the first time since the earthquake and receive much much needed medical care:

UNICEF Visits the Orphanage without IBESR

Posted by Dixie
I am angry today. BRESMA brought 32 children to GLA to get them inside and out of the weather. The children were getting sicker and sicker. Several had been in hospital and one had even died. The older children can tolerate being outside better than the babies. To save her children, the director of BRESMA made the decision to put them in GLA for 3 months until repairs could be made to her orphanage. Sounds simple, huh?

Well, UNICEF talked to Margarette and I on the phone Friday evening while Margarette was at GLA delivering the children. UNICEF knew that the children were being transferred to GLA. Today, UNICEF came on their own. No IBESR representative was with them. I was told by Carole, the UNICEF, representative from Canada, that Margarette did not have the right to transfer her children here without notifying them. I told her that I would not have notified UNICEF about children in my registered orphanage! She then said that we should have told IBESR! Well, everyone knew that the children at BRESMA was sleeping outside and sick. It was on CNN repeatedly! IBESR did not offer a new home for the children, food, or medical care. But now that the director of BRESMA has acted to save her children, they are angry!

Who is running Haitian Social Services? UNICEF? Can we not act to save our children and do what is best for them without the permission of UNICEF? All of these 32 children have adoptive families. I was told by the UNICEF representative that all of these children better be here when she comes back because she is now on the case! I told her that HAITIAN ADOPTIONS ARE CLOSED! We are working for relief efforts at the present time and will continue to do so. She said that adoptions are closed for 3 months. Well, that is the first time I have heard about a time limit on this. I was very happy to hear it! And some of the children may leave because their adoptions are finished and the children are ready to go to France!

She argued with Molly and Joyce that Andy, one of our children, was not here when she came last time. Of course, she refused to come into the orphanage and see the children or see the rooms where they sleep. She never asked us how many children we have here. But she knows that Andy, who we’ve had since he was a baby, was not here last time she was here! She also told me that I did not have any children at the baby house when she was here. NEVER since the earthquake has IBESR or UNICEF actually come into our orphanages and looked at the children. Today was the first time!

UNICEF also said that I was not on the list to receive children. Now we are registered by IBESR and authorized to take in children. But I guess we cannot take in children abandoned by the earthquake because we might send them somewhere for adoption! We cannot be trusted with children! But in the next breath, she said she had a baby to fill one of my beds! Do not look at what we have done to help the Haitian children over the last 19 years! Do not look at our reputation! Just look at the fact that we do adoptions!

Gosh, does the stress never end?? People all over this country are working to give out supplies to families and help children in orphanages and the tent cities. Is everything everyone does suspect now? I hope not…

On top of that, they are arresting American citizens at the airport who have their LEGALLY adopted children with them. They take those children away from them despite the fact that they have Haitian and US permission and documentation to leave the country with those children. They rip those children away from them and put them in UNICEF camps and DO NOT allow the LEGAL parents to visit them there.

And are they safe in UNICEF's camps? This report indicates that NO they are DEFINITELY NOT SAFE. Women and young girls are being raped in the camps. Oh sure, UNICEF is feeding them and giving them water- but they can't seem to keep them from being raped and then they have no care available for them after they are raped.

I'm beyond frustrated. Thought I'd spell that out for you in case it doesn't come across clearly in this post.

Bring Them HERE!!!

2010-02-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Time for me to get on my soap box.

There are 12 orphans at the BRESMA orphanage in Haiti who were ALREADY at the orphanage PRIOR to the earthquake. They had ALREADY been relinquished for adoption. The ONLY difference between those 12 and the hundreds of orphans who have been rushed to the US since January 12th is that they had not been matched to adoptive families. Had the earthquake NOT happened, they would have been matched and they would have been adopted and, in time, they would have gone home to their forever families. They would NOT have stayed in Haiti.

Instead of being here, in the US, receiving the care that they need. This is what 2 of the kids look like right now. They are stuck in Haiti with pnemonia and intestinal parasites- both treatable here- but could easily be fatal there.

But now, because they weren't 'lucky' enough to have families prior to the earthquake, our government has decided that they are not worthy of Humanitarian Aid Parole Visas that would allow them to enter the US as refugees.

Seriously?? I'm pretty ticked.

There are, I hear, about 680 children in the PaP area in the same situation. That's it. 680 out of the hundreds of thousands of orphans. But our government has decided to turn away from them. Do you know how easy it would be to find wonderful families for 680 kids? After we found out about those 12 our adoption agency was able to find more than enough families for them in about 3 days. So now these kids DO have families- they just weren't referred to those families prior to January 12. Hmmm...seems like the US is only willing to help those who had already 'helped themselves' so to speak.

I'm a Mess

2010-02-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

No surprise there.

Anyone else ever feel like you just can't stop being an emotional wreck? a mental case? a total nut job?

I feel like I've been crazy for... years.

I start to get back on track, get healthy, make good choices, take care of myself, my responsibilites, my family- and then something happens like a super long wait to bring adopted kids home, or a baby dying or an earthquake and I lose it. again.

After the earthquake lots and lots of my real life and cyber friends brought their kiddos home. And man did I love celebrating with them. But the reason why their kids came home- that was tragic and horrific and I was grieving that too. And, you know, if Nandinie hadn't died she would have come home too. I wouldn't have been waiting anymore either. I've grieved that reality quite a bit.

About a week after the earthquake we got an unexpected call. We were asked if we could take in a little one year old boy. There wouldn't be a long wait or the huge expense of an international adoption, just a sweet baby boy who needed a family. My heart leapt at the thought and I frantically called Jason. I just knew that we would say yes. But he said no. He said we're not in a good place to take on another child. He said he didn't feel even the slightest nudge from God that we were supposed to be that boy's family.

I fell apart- completely. Looking back, after a few weeks, I can see that my gargantuan emotional melt down stemmed from so many things. I obviously have quite a bit of grief inside that I wasn't even aware of. Grief about how parenting the kids I have hasn't been at all what I long for it to be. Grief because we said no to a little boy as a direct result of how hard life has been. Grief about losing Nandinie and not getting to be her mommy. Grief that, if even for the briefest moment, I thought that boy might redeem so much of the pain that surrounds her death, and even the pain that surrounds my relationship with Monika. Grief about all the horror of the earthquake and the pain I've felt to immensely for so many of my friends. Grief that I've been stuck for a long time and can't seem to get healthy- emotionally- and stay that way. Maybe if I could, maybe we could have said yes.

I have great faith in my husband. I trust him. If he says no- I believe that he gives that answer with as much forethought and wisdom and prayerful consideration as is possible. Not that he is perfect, not that he might not be wrong, but that I can allow him the final call and know that IF he is wrong- he is also seeking God and God will show him that. Jason has proven that to me over and over again. And if he is right- then I will be so thankful in the end that I submitted to his decision. But it still hurts anyway. It is very strange to be so completely opposite about something so huge.

So I'm a mess- ~~again~~ still. And once again God obviously has something big He's trying to teach me. I hope I can learn whatever it might be. I hope I'm teachable. I hope I come out on the other side knowing even more of His great love for me.

A Valentine Note

2010-02-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

We spent Wednesday evening making Valentines for 5 classes.

It took a lot of these:

And a couple of these:

Some team work and organization:

But we got it done in the end.

And then, on Thursday night, Monika made Daddy and I a Valentine note that I plan to hang on to!

Even though I know she does love us, I take it way too personally when she says she doesn't. This note did my heart a whole lot of good. She's still doing great- and she completed week 4 of 6 today toward earning back the priviledge to have play dates with her friends. She is making consistent effort at being honest, having a good attitude and being respectful. I'm super proud of her.

Don't Rock the Boat

2010-02-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today is our 2nd Forever Family Day. 2 years ago today we brought Monika and John home after an 18 month wait. It was an amazing experience- coming up the escalator at the airport and being met by a huge group of family and friends who came to celebrate the homecoming with us is one of the highlight moments of my life. The final weeks before that day were stressful beyond comprehension. As I've followed along with so many friends recently, who have brought their kiddos home post-earthquake, I have relived that stress over and over again. And, I've relived the joy of FINALLY having them home over and over again too.

We did not tell the kids what today was until 7:30 this evening. We took them out for ice cream after cramming in all five parent teacher conferences in 2 hours. After we sat down with our treats I told them that we were not only celebrating how well they all are doing in school, but we are also celebrating the 2nd anniversary of the day Monika and John finally came home to our family. We proceeded to toast our ice cream cones and sundaes. That is all that we will do to mark the occasion.

Why?

Well, because things have been pretty darn good around here for over 3 weeks and I will NOT do anything to rock the boat. Big celebrations rock the boat.

I'm continuing with my zero-affect parenting plan for Monika. I still don't get why its working- but it is so I'm going with it. As long as I remain completely neutral in my tone of voice and facial expressions she seems to respond with obedience and a decent attitude. She's been doing her homework, cleaning up the kitchen without being asked, and just basically showing great effort in her behavior toward me and the rest of the family. I do not feel happiness toward her yet- the past 2 years have just been too hard and I have no illusions that we are out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just taking what I can get today and hoping for a little more of it tomorrow too.

Last year's anniversary fell in the middle of 3 terribly hard months. It was also not a day that we made a huge deal of. Not being able to celebrate these anniversaries like I had envisioned we would 'back in the day' serves to remind me how hard this has been and throws the grief and pain right up in my face.

Despite that- I am thankful today for how good things are going right now. I am hopeful that we're headed in the right direction. I am confident that our family looks just like God intended for it too. I know that I've grown and changed and become a stronger, better momma. I rest in the truth that I am loved and held and strengthened by my Savior who gives me the grace I need each day.

Don't Stop Thinking About Haiti

2010-01-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

I keep coming here- to this blog- and wanting to write about what's going on in life but it feels wrong because I'm afraid people will forget Haiti. Please don't do that. PLEASE keep looking for more money that you can send. PLEASE support other people who are raising money and awareness. This country is going to need us for YEARS to come. Commit to pray! Commit to give again and again as money becomes available to you.

My friend Anna, who is in high school, started her own project to raise money to rebuild the orphanage that Monika and John came from. I LOVE that! I love that a high school girl is taking this kind of initiative to make a difference. You can check out what she's doing here.

I had been feeling, even before the earthquake, that I needed something to do during the day while my kids are at school. After the earthquake I felt desperate to do something that had purpose and that mattered and that would help Haiti, or my community, in some significant way. I'm very excited because next week I'm going to start volunteering at an adoption agency called Adoption Alliance. The agency that we used to adopt M and J doesn't exist anymore and this agency took on the Haitian adoption program from that agency. I'm super excited to get to help out in whatever way I am needed.

Monika has been doing REALLY well the past 3 weeks. And, in turn, I am doing much better too! Or, maybe because I've been doing better- she's doing better? Hard to say. I believe that part of her motivation stems from a consequence she earned. She is not allowed any playdates until she has given us 6 weeks of obvious effort toward good behavior. We know she won't be perfect, but she has to show an attitude of wanting to be honest, wanting to obey and wanting to be pleasant to be around. She got to choose when she wanted the 6 weeks to start. Tomorrow she'll complete 2 of the 6 weeks. I'm hoping that another part of this turn in her behavior is some changes I've been making in how I relate toward her.

I have been working hard to have very little affect in my tone of voice and facial expressions whether I am praising her or asking her to change a behavior. It feels very strange because I try not to smile or frown- I just respond in a kind of monotone voice. It almost feels robotic. However- she is responding! She has even been MORE open with me than usual, talking up a storm, and she even told me I looked pretty 2 days in a row.

I don't get the 'why' of this. My guess is that my highs and lows were too intense and I have relieved the stress of her not knowing what she would get out of me from one moment to the next. I'm hopeful that I can begin to add in a little more emotion as time goes on. Maybe, if this is what she needs right now, then we can kind of 'start over' in our relating to each other and we can grow into a more emotionally responsive relationship as that becomes safer. I have no idea. I'm flying by the seat of my pants at this point. The only reason I started this to begin with is because I was so emotionally drained by her that I didn't have any emotions to give. And then all of a sudden I noticed that she seemed really comfortable with me not showing any emotions. Go figure.

I'm getting away this weekend for a scrap book retreat. It feels REALLY wrong to go do something so fun and frivolous when so many people are suffering right now. But I'm going anyway and I'm determined to have a fantastic time filled with girl talk, laughter and mojitos.

Anonymous Comments

2010-01-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

For some reason I am getting multiple STUPID spam comments everyday on my blog. Whoever is leaving them can't speak English very well and is constantly soliciting thru my comments. So, I'm going to turn off the ability to leave anonymous comments for a while. And, if any of you have experienced this and you can tell me another way to make it stop- I'm all ears!

My Thoughts on Donating to Help Haiti

2010-01-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

First of all DO IT. Just donate. Just commit to it and do it.

Second, please make sure you donate to a well-established and reputable organization.

Third, if you want every penny that you donate to go to relief efforts- rather than a portion of it going to 'administrative fees'- please give to organizations that can say something like this:

For those that don't know, 100% of all funds that come in to Heartline Ministries are spent in Haiti. All state side expenses for administration are provided and performed by various individuals free of charge. The earthquake donations will go 100% to recovery and rebuilding. You can locate our financial information, tax returns and tax exempt information at our Financials and Donations web page.

And, finally, my personal request is that you actually donate to Heartline Ministries or their partnering organization, World Wide Village. Both of these ministries were ALREADY IN HAITI and ALREADY doing real and fantastic work to tangibly help the people of Haiti- to improve their lives and give them hope- way before this earthquake. I'm not saying that it isn't ok to donate elsewhere or that there aren't other great places that you may know of that need the money. This is just a personal request of mine because I LOVE the people who work for these ministries. This is purely me wanting to lavish people who I cherish with many many blessings. I want them to receive what they need to minister and help as they need to be able to do. I do NOT want lack of financial means to hold them back or cause them to have to say 'no' to someone in need.

Go check out their websites and read about who they are and what they do. You'll love what you learn!

A Day For The Ugly Cry

2010-01-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

I guess I hit the wall today. I spent the entire morning breaking down into the ugly cry, pulling it back together, breaking down again... wash, rinse, repeat. I'm feeling a little calmer now.

There is the grief. The heartache I feel for the Haitian people and for the Americans who I know that are there in the middle of this- wow.

There is the joy. Just this morning- ALL of the orphans at the BRESMA orphanage (where M and J came from) who are being adopted by US families- ALL of them came to the US. Their families will get to take them home!!

There is the helplessness. I desperately wish I was doing more. I truly LONG to be IN Haiti right now. What would I do there? Probably go insane with grief and from the horrific agony I would witness.

There is the hope. Troy and Tara Livesay continually update on Facebook and Twitter and share the little moments in which they witness the beauty of the human spirit and the long arm of hope when people reach out to help and they reap the benefits of that help.

There is the daily life- which doesn't stop and already wasn't easy.

There is love. We've been lavished with the prayers and thoughtfulness of friends and family. The idea that people think about us right now. Mind boggling.

All of those highs and lows have finally caught up with me. Funny how we fight so hard against the 'negative' emotions and crying and yet, when we finally let go- there is such peace and strength that comes on the other side. Today has been a quiet day at home for me. I have wept and prayed and wept and read my Bible and wept and watched news clips of precious Haitian children on US soil. And now I will wait on God to show me what to do next.

This Song...So Beautiful...and Heartbreaking

2010-01-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

This is Aaron Ivey. He and his wife, Jamie, have brought their daughter, Story, home. They are still anxiously waiting to bring home their son, Amos. If you have waited to bring a child home thru adoption- then this song will speak directly to your heart.

The Ivey's continually work hard to help the orphans in Haiti. They are raising money right now to help earthquake victims by selling these super cool t-shirts. You can purchase one- or many- and know that the money they raise WILL help victims of the earthquake.

Please also go buy Aaron's CD. I own it and it is an amazing worship CD.

Some REALLY Good News

2010-01-17T21:59:00.000-07:00

SIX children from the BRESMA orphanage flew to the US tonight. They are with their families. Gertride (or Gertrude as she is called on the video) is one of Monika's friends and she is coming to Colorado. Her momma has been waiting for her for so so sooooooooo long. Monika is going to beyond thrilled to see her again!! At least 3 of the othe children are also coming to Colorado! I have met their parents and I know that they are all joyful beyond words tonight.

Keep praying- there are many, many, many more children who desperately need to come HOME!

What We Have Taken For Granted

2010-01-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up in my comfortable Sleep Number bed, in my sturdy, temperature controlled house. I proceeded to climb into a nice hot shower. I then looked in my closet and had a variety of choices as to what I might like to wear. I utilized my absolutely dependable electricity to light the rooms I was in, provide power to my blow dryer and to iron some jeans.

Photo by Troy Livesay. Used with permission.

I went downstairs and stood in a spacious, well-stocked kitchen to decide, from multiple options, what I would like to eat for breakfast. I raised a simple handle and clean, cold water came pouring- without limit- from my faucet.

Photo by Troy Livesay. Used with permission.

I 'woke up' my computer and internet access was immediate. I checked my email and my Google Reader, my facebook and the headlines.

I took my 5 safe and healthy children to their basketball games at our beautiful mega-church. We enjoyed the light-hearted competition. We cheered and laughed. We had a good day.

Photo by Troy Livesay. Used with permission.

We are blessed. We take it ALL for granted. We do not ever think about the hope that is assumed in all that is so SO easy about our lives.

This morning thousands upon thousands of Haitians wearily sat up on their makeshift pallets on the dirty, hard cement after another sleepless night. They looked around at unfathomable chaos and destruction. They breathed in the all-consuming smell of death. Their empty bellies cramped and seized in hunger and severe dehydration.

Their hearts broke- again- as they desperately longed for those they will never get back.

They do not have homes or kitchens, running water or electricity. Many, many of their children are not safe. They get no news or information. They have no idea if help is coming. Their days are unending nightmares.

They recognize that if they find water today or a bite to eat- then they are blessed. They hold the ones who are still with them and their hearts are filled with gratitude. NOTHING is easy.

PLEASE, friends. Give generously to the people of Haiti!!! Thank God for how blessed you are. Go about your day with a grateful heart. PRAY unceasingly for the countless precious people of Haiti who cannot fathom the life of abundance that you and I never even question.

It's Time to Give BIG

2010-01-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

Let's get creative. Let's be sacrificial. Let's do something tangible. The people of Haiti need our money- they need water, food, diesel, medical supplies. To try to gather that stuff and 'send' it is NOT practical for the vast majority of us. Please send money. Sell your nick-nacks, have a bake sale, host a raffel or fund raiser on your blog, sacrifice some of your luxury spending and give it to Haiti. Ask your kids' classrooms to set out 'coin jars' for the kids to fill up. Gather all the coins in your own house. Pass on good info for where others can give.

Here are 3 very real ministries/organizations in Haiti that are reputable- send your money to places like this; that are recommended, established, and licensed. These are the places where my money will go:

Heartline Ministries is a great ministry that is already established in Port au Prince. They are already doing great work for the people and they will continue.

World Wide Village is another fabulous ministry. They help orphans and sick children. They are in Port au Prince and they are already doing all that they can.

Real Hope For Haiti Rescue Center is an amazing place. The people who run this ministry are medically trained and they are working nonstop right now treating one injury after another. Many pictures and updates on their site.

Haiti does not need people to flood in who want to help but have no medical experience. The work there is for those who know how to get in the middle of serious trauma care and WORK tirelessly. There is not enough food or water already, so if more and more people go, who can't be of real help, they will just add to the burden of trying to feed and house extra bodies.

In Spite of it ALL, There is Still His Mercy

2010-01-13T12:06:00.001-07:00

I am at a loss... I can NOT understand the WHY. The catastrophy of this earthquake in Haiti is mind blowing. This country does not have back up plans, emergency services, ambulances, fire trucks...

There is not enough food, there is no security, there is not enough clean water to drink. People are dying RIGHT now in horrific ways. Moms cannot find their children. Children cannot find their moms. This situation is beyond bleak. It appears hopeless. And, for many, without Hope, it is hopeless.

How does one start over in the midst of this devastation?

We have been unable to reach Monika and John's birth mom for over a year and a half. We don't know if she was ok before this, how will we possibly know if she is ok now? What do I tell Monika, especially, who so desperately longs to hear her momma's voice? How to reassure her, when I am NOT assured?

I can't wrap my brain around all of this right now.

I can thank God for His mercy. I see His merciful,protective hand holding back death and injury from so many precious lives. All of the children and nannies at the orphanage where M and J lived are reported to be uninjured. All of the children, workers, nannies and missionaries at the following orphanages and missions are also reported to be fine: (please note, that I am taking this info from blogs and facebook and assuming that it is accurate)
God's Littlest Angels
Three Angels Children's Relief
St. Joseph's Home For Boys
New Hope Haiti Mission
Real Hope For Haiti
World Wide Village
Heartline Ministries
(feel free to send me more links if you have them)

Many of the people there, who have said that they are fine- look around and know that there is no 'earthly' reason that they were spared. God has protected them for a reason. Buildings all around theirs have collapsed. They see the dead people, they hear the wailing, they are scared and in shock.

Even though they may have survived the earthquake, the days to come may seem unbearable. Where will they find clean drinking water? How will they get food to feed all those hungry little bodies? If there are sick children or injuries that become infected, who will they turn to? How will they find safety from the attacks of people more desperate than themselves? For the emotional pain and trauma of what they are seeing and experiencing, how will they cope? This tragedy has barely begun and the strength to survive it can only come from One Source. Our God is the only answer. He is the only provision. He is the only hope.

I'm begging you to pray- continually. And give more generously than you ever have. And if you have the means to go and can help- then go.

ETA: There is an orphanage- located right near the epicenter of the quake- called 'Hope for the Little Angels of Haiti.' Noone has been able to reach them yet and all of the adoptive parents have no idea about the well-being of their precious kiddos. Pray for them!!! And if anyone hears anything- let us know!

Major Earthquake Hits Haiti

2010-01-12T15:52:00.001-07:00

An earthquake, estimated at 7.3, hit Haiti less than an hour ago. The center was about 10 miles outside of Port au Prince. It is reported that at least one hospital has collapsed and many many structures have crumbled.

PLEASE pass this on and pray for the people of Haiti. The reports of damage are just starting to come- I'm sure we've only just started to hear of the devastation.

2009

2010-01-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

will not go down in my history book as the best year ever.

It was a really hard year in so many ways. And yes I grew and changed and I'm a better person for it. Yes there were good things about it and I'm blessed and I have so much to be thankful for. There were times of joy and laughter and peace and happiness.

I know.

And yet, it will still not be my best year. It was an exhausting year. It was a frustrating year. It was a year of feeling stuck. It was a year when what wasn't fun- was daily and constant and in my face. It was a year of wading right down into the mire and muck of attachment issues and feeling at a loss as to how to be of any help. Often, I didn't know if I even wanted to help.

December was hard because I used to love the holidays. But I just couldn't get excited this year. I actually kind of dreaded Christmas. And, while it went ok- Monika was hard and she's been hard more and more each day since. She was hard at Thanksgiving too. She's not happy. She doesn't like me. She loves the freedom she's found now that she's admitted that- cuz now she can keep saying it. She can say she wishes she wasn't ever adopted. She can continue to lie and misbehave because that is how she lets me know with her actions that she doesn't like me.

I REALLY want to be a butt back to her. I want to show her what it would be like to have a mom who doesn't like her either. And today, I didn't do a great job of hiding my anger and frustration. Today I was NOT the mom I want to be.

It's 2010 now and if the first 3 days are any indication. I'm not excited.

Tonight Monika and I had a talk that went NOWHERE and accomplished NOTHING. She admits that she lies and misbehaves because that lets me know that she doesn't like me. She gets that doing those things earns her consequences that make her life not fun. I pointed out to her that she could choose to hate me forever and still be a good girl so that she would not be in trouble all the time. I mean, what if she didn't like me but she told the truth and did her homework and therefore she got to go to the movies with her friends, keep her toys instead of getting them taken away, stay up until regular bedtime rather than going to bed early... you get the idea. Wouldn't that be the best of both worlds? She wouldn't have to like me but she'd still get the perks that honest, well-behaved kids get. What a novel idea! She wasn't buying it.

I tried to say all the right things- I told her how loved she is by so many people. I talked about how God made her so special and all the amazing plans He has for her. I told her how beautiful and smart and wonderful she is.

She doesn't care. She doesn't like me therefore she isn't happy therefore she will not make good choices therefore she will earn more consequences which will justify her not liking me which will keep her unhappy which will cause her to make more bad choices... We are stuck right there.

It is a REALLY good thing that she goes back to school tomorrow. We need a break from each other. I need some time to think. We need a break thru.

I checked my Google Reader before I started writing this tonight and found that my friend Corey's in the thick of it too. The issue is different- the process seems to be so much the same. It feels like we're running on the perpetual hampster wheel to nowhere. I need to get off for a while and ~~drink myself into oblivion~~ go to the mall.

The Happy 101 Blog Award

2009-12-31T16:48:00.000-07:00

My amazing friend, Corey, gave me a blog award. Thanks COREY! You rock. And soon, very very soon, I will get to meet you 'in real life' and hug your precious neck! CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Now for the fine print. The Happy 101 Blog Award Rules are as follows: List 10 things that make you happy, try to do at least one of them today, and tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you then link back to my blog and create your list of things that make you happy.

1. Being with my hubby. He's the best person that I know on this planet. Being with him is my favorite thing to do.

2. Photography. Learning this art and seeing myself get better at it has been a highlight of 2009. I can't wait to keep learning!

3. Hanging out with my girl friends. I'm always up for a girls' night out. If girl talk, laughter, food and fruity beverages are involved- I'm in.

4. Reading. I LOVE to read a good novel. Or an ok novel. Or even a bad novel. I just like to read.

5. Blogging and reading my peeps blogs. Your blogs are my reality shows. Thanks for letting me take a peak into your lives!

6. Chocolate makes me VERY happy. It is a rare day that I don't have some.

7. Listening to my kids playing and enjoying each other is a beautiful sound.

8. I've lost 22 pounds since August and that makes me super happy. 8 more to go to reach my goal.

9. Playing hostess is great fun. I get really excited to throw a party.

10. Scrapbooking. I haven't gotten to do much of it at all this year. But I enjoy being crafty and sifting thru memories caught on film.

Now, who should I pass this award onto?

1. Jennifer over at Narcissistic Tendencies. She actually keeps up with 3 blogs that I read and she does a world of good for HIV+ orphans around the world thru her nonprofit organization: from HIV to home. Go check her out and think about getting involved!

2. Kristina over at Pulsipher Predilections. Her blog should have made my top 10 list because she is hilarious and every time I read her blog I get happy. She's actually kind of famous too, in blog land, so she probably gets lots of awards like this one from scary stalkers like myself. I don't know if she'll play along, but if she does, I guarantee you it will be FUNNY!!

3. Alli over at Light in the Darkness is a new friend of mine in real life. She is precious and beautiful inside and out.

4. Tara over at The Livesay Haiti Web Log is a virtual friend who I LONG to meet in person. I have every intention of making that happen in this lifetime.

5. Jamie over at Dreaming Big Dreams. Another virtual friend who I would LOVE to meet. She has an amazing smile- which I've only seen in pictures but it always makes me smile too. Her hubby is a recording artist and worship leader. I bought his CD a while back and really like it! You can download it from itunes here.

6. Katie at the Borch Porch. She's a friend in real life who I met when we were starting our adoption process. We got to take some of our required classes together and it was such a blessing to meet her and her hubby Jeff. They live half of the year in Africa and half in the US.

Ok, I'm leaving the next 4 slots open to my readers. If you read and you want to play along- post the link to your top ten in a comment and consider yourself rewarded!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: McBride Family

2009-12-23T12:43:00.001-07:00

We are overwhelmingly blessed- pressed down, shaken together and running over- our cup overflows.

Earlier this year a precious friend gave us the beautiful, gently-used carpet from her home and someone unnamed paid to have it installed in our house. It looks brand new. With that in place, we got motivated and repainted most of the walls and trim.

This got me thinking about how I hadn't ever really decorated our bedroom. So after new carpet and paint, I decided it was time for some 'window dressings' and I searched high and low for the perfect fabric. I found it- in the form of a table cloth. So, I sent a couple of them to my mom and asked her to make me some valances for Christmas and she did! As soon as I pick up some curtain rods our room will look like we actually made an effort to create an inviting and peaceful space for ourselves.

Then, about a month ago, we were gifted with a brand new set of Electrolux laundromat-size washer and dryer! The LARGEST available on the market! Friends, I can't even describe to you how in love with them I am. My laundry time has been cut by more than HALF!!! This is one of the most exciting things that has happened to me in a long time. There are not words. They are GARGANTUAN.

LAST week someone we hadn't ever met before GAVE us his red Ford Expedition. Just handed it over and said God bless! It's not brand new but it is beautiful and red and HUGE and made just for a mega-family such as ours. He wanted to gift it to a family that could use it and asked some of our friends to pray about who it should go to. They felt like God pointed at us! And did I mention that it's red? That's just pretty fun. A pic will have to come later because it is freezing cold and snowing- and my computer is on the fritz so I'm using Jason's to post this and I get flustered when I'm forced out of my box.

I look at all these things and feel like we've been on a year-long version of one of my favorite TV shows! Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Of course, in the scheme of things, these are all very minor reasons why we are blessed. But it sure is fun to see how extravagant God can be sometimes.

A Major Breakthrough (Super Long Post)

2009-12-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Sooo...

Monika and I had a LONG talk tonight- with Daddy as our 'witness/mediator.'

It started because yesterday, during homework (of course), Monika couldn't get it right to save her life- until I told her that if she didn't get it right in 5 minutes she was going to pay me a dollar. Then boom- it was done. SOOO we talked about 'why' she did that. And- drum roll please- she admitted that she does that because if she obeyed the first time I ask her to, I might think that she likes me!

So I asked her why she didn't like me- and she couldn't answer that on the spot. So I told her we would be talking about it tonight and she needed to be ready with answers.

She sat at the table and calmly (while nervously) told me why she doesn't like me. 1. I am mean. 2. I yell too much. 3. I get mad at her. 4. I am not fair. She also told me that she never liked me from the beginning. (: SURE. So I took us back to that first meeting and reminded her what that was like (seriously- you know it was like a cinderella story it was so good for her)- and asked her what it was about me she didn't like back then- before I was mean and yelling and mad and unfair- and she got super embarrassed and couldn't answer me. So I asked her if she just said that because she thought it would hurt my feelings. And guess what!!!??? She admitted to it!!! This part of the conversation was funny because she was pretty darn excited to get to say bad things about me knowing that she wouldn't get in trouble.

I then told her that we were going to make a list of all the things I do that might show her that I love her. She came up with a pretty good list- and got tears in her eyes while doing it- cuz man, did that STINK!

After that I walked thru each of the things that she said she didn't like about me and asked her if she ever does any of those things to me. She admitted to each one, after which I told her that even when she is mean or yelling or mad or unfair- I will love her no matter what. Even if she doesn't like me and wants to hurt my feelings- I'll still love her. And I'll still do the things that I do on the second list that show her my love.

She admitted that she wishes that I would let her do whatever she wants. I mean seriously, it's about time- considering the payback I get for EVERY. SINGLE. consequence she has ever chosen. I talked about a 25 year old Monika who never had any consequences. That Monika can't read or do math, didn't go to college, has no money and no job, lies all the time and regularly hits people. I asked her if that is who she wanted to be- she of course, said no. We then talked about a momma who loves her and requires more of her and does give consequences and what that 25 year old Monika might be like. She gets it.

I also apologized about yelling too much and told her that I have been working really hard to yell less and that I will keep working hard on that. I pointed out to her that most of the time when she gets in trouble- I'm not actually yelling or being mean or unfair- she just can't stand that I won't let her do whatever she wants so she 'thinks' I'm doing those things. In the end she had to admit that she only thinks I am being mean, mad and unfair when she gets a consequence that she actually knew she would get if she did what she chose to do. Go figure.

It then got really good (sad) because she said she was thinking about her momma and when asked why (after a lot of silence) she said her momma was different. She said her mom had different rules. When I told her that I knew that it felt unfair and that I know she likes her momma better than me and that she wishes she could go back to her momma in Haiti she just started weeping. She didn't know that I knew. Jason had asked a question here and there before this, but at this point we both loved on her and told her how much we wish things had been different and that its ok if she never likes us as much as her momma cuz we'll love her anyway. We talked about how much her momma loved her and wanted so much more for her than she could give her. I asked her if she ever felt mad at her momma for not keeping her and she cried more and said yes. So we talked even more about how much her momma loved her and that its normal to feel mad about that because in a perfect world that would have NEVER happened.

I don't know if this will have ANY bearing whatsoever in her future behavior. But tonight I celebrate the fact that we had that conversation.

I look back over the past 2 years and I can see such miraculously huge progress in me and in her. I really didn't know if I had it in me to be a 'therapeutic mom' to her. I didn't know if I had anything to offer her that would be healing in any way or, if I even wanted to try. And, I truly did not believe that she would ever be able to verbalize the truth to me- ever. Without my encouragers and coaches, Corey and Christine, to teach me- I wouldn't have even known what the truth was! I certainly wouldn't have known how to converse with her to guide her to that truth. And without each of you who pray for us so faithfully- I don't even want to think about that. Your prayers are a HUGE part of God's intervention in us.

What If It's Me?

2009-12-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

What if I'm the one with attachment/bonding issues?

I've been mulling that question over quite a bit lately. Wondering if I might be having just as much, if not more, trouble embracing the relationships I have with Monika and John as they are with me.

It is shocking to see how disregulated I become when they do too. How I sometimes push their buttons. How quickly my thoughts toward them turn ugly. How often I feel like throwing a temper tantrum. How easy it is for me to think up ways to embarrass them (even if I don't follow thru).

I've been reading a book called 'Emotionally Healthy Spirituality' and realizing how much of my own junk shows up in how I relate to M and J when I am stressed out. Of course, this happens with all of the kids, but it is definitely magnified with those 2- just like their reactions & behaviors are much more out of proportion to situations than the other kids.

These are my thoughts lately, as we plow thru the holiday season with Halloween, the anniversary of Nandinie's death, Thanksgiving, Monika's birthday, multiple Christmas celebrations, New Year's Eve, and their 'Gotcha Home' anniversary all hitting back to back. I can't say that I'm having a whole lot of fun right now. I CAN say that 'so far' I'm handling things much much better than last year. At least I can see some improvement...

I've been wondering if I'll ever truly enjoy the holidays again, but also choosing to be grateful and turning repeatedly to my Savior for his mercy and love and strength.

Gear Up

2009-12-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

Monika's birthday is tomorrow. Grandma is coming tomorrow. It's almost Christmas. We're celebrating Christmas with Grandma this week.

Can you say DISREGULATED??? I'm talking about myself, of course. I'm just as jumpy about what the next few weeks might hold as the kids are. And yes, they are also out of sync. So far, nothing major- but I'm gearing up- trying to be as ready as I can be.

Excitement and change of schedule are NOT good for kids with attachment issues. Not. good.

Where Have I Been???

2009-12-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

Mostly what I've been doing (besides kids, house, groceries, laundry, holidays, extended family, church...) is learning photography. I've taken 2 classes over the past couple of months, and I have LOVED them. I have learned so so much! It feels amazing to be doing something that is just. for. me. During the day, when the kids are at school, I take pictures or work on post-processing pictures with photoshop.

I even have a project due this week- and it has been fun and challenging and stressful- just like being in school is supposed to be. Granted, my classes are not for credit- but I have tried to treat them as though they are. I am hopefull that one day soon I will be able to start a photography business of some sort. We could definitely use the income and I would be earning a little extra doing something I LOVE!

So, here are a few of the pics I've taken over the last several weeks:

One of my assignments was to take a self-portrait that shows what my life looks like right now:

I took this at class when we went into a church and learned how to get shots even in really low light. This is a pic of organ pipes (if you can't tell):

I took this in Oklahoma in October. The assignment was reflections:

This assignment was for 'macro photography' which is capturing small objects:

And this pic, one of my faves, is of my nephew and his dad and step-mom. It wasn't part of an assignment but when we went to Oklahoma- again- in November for Thanksgiving, we had all the family together so we took the opportunity to take lots of pics.

And, just for good measure- here's a shot of my side of the family- all my siblings, spouses and my mom:

If you click on the pictures you should be able to see larger versions of them- however they may be a bit grainy because I resized them for the web. Please note that all of the pictures on my blog, that I have taken, do belong to me and it is not ok to copy them or use them without my permission.

Awesome Raffle for an AWESOME cause!

2009-12-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, I know that my blog seems to be nothing more than fund raising for other people right now- but truly, my passion is to see those of us who are 'HAVES' give more and more away to those of us who are 'HAVE NOTS.' And, my friends in Haiti are still hoping to come up with enough money to buy a reliable and well-equipped vehicle for safely transporting pregnant mommas and newborn babies to the hospital when the care they can offer at their clinic is not enough.

To read more about that go HERE.

So my friend Corey is also super passionate about helping Heartline Ministries raise the money they need to purchase this vehicle. She has organized a raffle on her blog and so far more than 30 prizes have been donated! You can read the details below- but PLEASE go check out the prizes and buy some raffle tickets! If you win- awesome. If not, you'll still know that 100 percent of the money you donated went to an absolutely amazing cause!

Ok, friends! I am so excited to get our raffle started!!

First, the rules:

*Entering is easy.. Go to the ChipIn Page for Our Raffle (stupid WordPress will not allow ChipIn widgets). Click on the ChipIn button and make a donation. You are automatically entered for the drawing. I will track your entries via the email address provided at the time of your donation.

*Every $5 donation earns 1 entry. Every $20 earns 5 entries!

*If you blog, FaceBook, or Twitter about this event, leave me a comment and I will give you an extra entry.

*If you donate a prize for the raffle, I will give an automatic 5 entries! (Prize donations will be accepted up until Dec. 17 and are GREATLY appreciated!!)

*Winners will be randomly drawn on December 18 at 8 p.m. EST and announced HERE, as well as notified by email. Winners must contact me within 10 days with their mailing address. Prizes will be mailed no later than January 2, 2010 (Hopefully before. But bear with me folks. It will be one week before Christmas and I have six kids.)

*The raffle donations will be donated all at once via PayPal to Heartline Ministries via the Heartline Runners Fund for the ambulance on December 18 at 8:30 p.m. EST.

*If, for tax purposes, you wish to make your donation directly to Heartline, and still participate in the raffle, you may do so! Just send me a copy of your receipt at jcwaters2002@yahoo.com and I will put the appropriate # of entries in the raffle to match your donation.

*Monday, November 23rd and Tuesday, November 24th are Early Bird Extra Entry Days! To thank you for your help in kicking this event off, I am DOUBLING entries for anyone who donates on these two days! YA-HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

*Please leave me a comment or send me an email if you have any questions or have a problem donating.

5 For Five- December 5- Last Day!!

2009-12-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Day 5 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "Ukraine Medical Outreach" in Ukraine. UMO serves positive orphans in a number of ways, from hospital visitation to summer camp to management of a positive children's room in a Kiev hospital. In addition to simply loving the children – feeding them, talking to them, hugging them – UMO also provides some basic supplies such as diapers, clothing, laundry supplies, wipes, etc.

All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 5) will be designated toward materials and supplies costs for the children's ward.

Go HERE to make your $5 donation TODAY!

5 For Five- December 4

2009-12-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Day 4 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "TLC Orphanage" in South Africa. TLC was founded in 1993 and has served over 600 babies through the years. They generally have up to 60 children in care and currently are caring for 11 positive children.

All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 4) will be designated toward TLC's education fund, financing schooling costs for their positive orphans.

To share:

share the link to this page (www.fromhivtohome.org) wherever you can today - Facebook, Twitter, emails, blogs!

5 For Five- December 3

2009-12-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Day 3 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "Lola Children's Home" in Ethiopia. Lola Children's Home is a newly founded orphanage in northern Ethiopia. Lola houses HIV-positive orphans and their siblings, offering them shelter, food, medication and education that would otherwise be unavailable.

All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 3) will be designated toward Lola's building project.

To donate go HERE.

5 for Five- December 2

2009-12-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Day 2 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "AHOPE for Children" in Ethiopia. AHOPE Ethiopia provides two children’s homes exclusively for the care of children infected with HIV, with a capacity of about 100 children total. The Child Development Center is a community outreach program that provides services essential to enable a destitute extended family to keep its orphaned children at home. The first Child Development Center was opened in September of 2007 in an impoverished neighborhood of Addis Ababa. It has the capacity to assist 100 children and their guardians and is designed as a model that is suitable for replication in other needy areas as funding allows.

All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 2) will be designated toward AHOPE's Child Development Center - enabling extended families and communities to keep their orphaned children at home. Go here to make your donation!

5 for Five- December 1

2009-12-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Jennifer is hosting 5 days to support 5 amazing causes that help children all over the world who are effected by HIV/AIDS. Each day for the next 5 days she's asking for $5 donations that will support these precious kiddos.

Go here and read about children in Thailand who could use your $5 and then make a contribution!

Come back tomorrow to learn how your $5 can help another group of children!

From HIV to Home

My Donation Was More Than Doubled!

2009-11-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't reached 40 donors yet, but I did get to 20 and those 20 friends gave well over $200! So, I went ahead and donated my $200 as well. I am so proud to get to be a part of this in memory of my sweet Nandinie.

Thanks to each of you that gave! I'm so excited to see what God does to continue raising the money Heartline needs to purchase their vehicle. You can still be a part! Go give your donation today!

There is an incredible story on the Heartline Runners blog today. Go check it out!

Almost Half Way!

2009-11-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Friends- I'm gonna keep bugging you until I get what I want- :)

I've got 17 donors so far! That's almost half way to my goal of 40 friends total. And, several people have donated more than $5 so Heartline Runners have already received over $145 in honor of Nandinie! I'm so excited because that means my donation will definitely be more than doubled!

Here are a couple of comments that friends have made when they let me know they had made their contribution:

"I just went to the site to pay and was so touched I made a $50 donation.
Thanks for sharing this great ministry..."

"I made a contribution today. I also cried like a baby reading their blog."
Please don't forget! I'm just asking for $5 that will go to an incredible ministry that provides real and tangible help to women and babies in Haiti. Go here and make your donation today!

Too Much Weekend

2009-11-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, we've obviously had too little structure and too much fun around here lately.

After 2 weeks of fall break, during which we made a trip to Oklahoma, we then sent the kids back to school only to have a surprise 3 days off due to a blizzard. Following that came Halloween and yesterday Monika and John spent the day with a friend as part of my 'respite' plan.

Combine all of that and we're dealing with some regression around here. John can't sound out the letter 'e' and Monika just wrote a long paragraph full of nonsense because she can't remember how to sound out the easy words that she was able to write, no problem, last week.

They've both been given notice. They know that I know they are too tired to make good choices so they will be getting some extra rest tonight if they can't show the effort that is expected asap.

15 Friends Have Accepted My Challenge!

2009-11-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

Now I just need 25 more!

I've already had 15 friends accept my challenge! And, because several of them have given more than $5- Heartline has received over $135 in Nandinie's name! Praise God!

Don't know what I'm talking about? Read the previous post and join in on the fun! I am so excited to get to help out such an amazing cause in honor of our precious baby girl who is in heaven.

Honoring Nandinie's Life with a $5 Challenge

2009-10-29T19:04:00.001-06:00

Okay Friends, I've got a challenge for you. It is a way that you can help me honor Nandinie's life while, at the same time, do some MASSIVE good for women and babies in Haiti- and it will only cost you $5! PLEASE, I'm begging you, keep reading!

In Haiti (where John and Monika are from), when a pregnant woman goes into labor, she most likely will deliver at home. She doesn't get the luxury of a mattress, a clean room, sterile equipment, or an epidural. She doesn't have access to an obstetrician or pediatrician. She doesn't have the peace of mind that, if something goes wrong, her baby will be whisked to a neonatal unit where he will receive the most state of the art care. There is no 911 service to call so that an ambulance can rush to the scene and rush mom and baby to an ER. None of those options are available to these women.

Because of this, MANY Haitian women die in childbirth. Even more babies die at birth or soon after. The statistics are astounding.

There are some amazing people who have moved their entire lives and families to Haiti to be a part of making a difference in whatever way God might choose to use them. One of the ways that God is using them right now is thru a clinic where they are educating pregnant women, offering them pre- and postnatal care and creating a comfortable and clean environment for these women to labor and deliver in. They also provide transportation to the hospital and financial aid to help cover the medical expenses for women who find themselves in need of more care than is available at this clinic.

You can read more about this ministry here. And you can read about the daily lives of one of these missionary families, the Livesays, here.

So what do I need from you? Well, in January, there is a marathon at Disney World, in Florida. And no, I am NOT running in that marathon. However, I know several amazing people who are running in that marathon and the reason they are running is to raise money to buy a big, reliable vehicle that can be used to safely transport women to and from the clinic before and after delivery and also quickly transport women and/or babies in distress to a local hospital.

Right now I can commit to donating $200 toward this cause. I desperately wish it could be $2000 or $20,000! So I'm praying for God to multiply my efforts. IF I could get 40 of my friends to donate $5 each, I could double what I'm giving! And it would only cost you $5! Will you go to this blog and donate $5 right now? And if you do, will you post a comment here or send me an email so that I'll know? Of course, you can donate WAY more than $5 if you'd like, but for every person who tells me that he/she has donated at least $5, I will also donate $5 up to $200- or more if God provides. I will make my donation on December 15th, or sooner if we reach 40 people before then. You don't need to tell me how much you donated, either, just let me know that you did.

All of your donation will go directly toward the purchase of this much needed vehicle. And, because your donation will be made to a licensed non-profit organization, it is tax deductible and you will receive a receipt- so you can feel good knowing that your money is going to a legitimate cause and that it WILL make a huge difference.

What if, the efforts you and I make together help to not only buy a vehicle but also provide extra money to continue the services this clinic provides to these precious mommas? What if we raise more than what is needed! I'm asking God to do more than I can ask or imagine and praising Him that whatever is done, I get to be a part for His glory and in honor of Nandinie's short life on this earth. So come on! Go donate $5 right now! I can't wait to see what happens.

Remembering Her

2009-10-25T22:31:00.000-06:00

It was one year ago on October 26, a Sunday night, that we received a phone call letting us know that our sweet Nandinie had died so suddenly from an allergic reaction to medication she was given at a hospital in Haiti. A whole year of life has gone by in which we have experienced- the heart-wrenching grief of losing a child, the process of letting go of the dreams we had, the healing hand of our loving God helping us to walk thru the grief and into peace. All of those things have cycled in and out of my heart- with the peace continually washing over the grief in greater ways so that the devastating wound that I feared might always consume me, has become a scar that remains because I'll never forget.

As I remember the shock and grief of those first few days and weeks, I experience much of the pain again. Yet, I can look back over the past year and see how far God has brought me and how mercifully He has sustained me.

I love that precious baby and desperately wanted to get to be her Momma. And yet, despite how badly I wish I hadn't experienced this loss and this pain, I would not call her back from heaven so that I could hold her. I am so so thankful that she is with Jesus. He is holding her and she is perfection in His arms. My remaining days on this earth will always contain a certain void because she is not here, but when I walk into eternity, I know that she'll be there waiting, and we'll have forever to make up this moment in time that is my life.

John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (NIV) I believe that Nandinie was stolen from us by our spiritual enemy, Satan. I believe that he and his workers are real and that the harm that they do is also real. I also believe that what they intended for evil on that night, God used for His good. Yes, they succeeded in stealing Nandinie's earthly life from her, but they unintentionally gave her an immeasurably better life because at the moment of her last physical breath, she was instantly in the arms of Jesus. She was instantly given a perfect body in a perfect place filled with perfect love.

The enemy also wanted to steal our hope and faith that night. He wanted to devestate us and cause us to turn away from our Heavenly Father. But he did not succeed- he lost that battle too. And I believe that God has promised to redeem in us whatever the enemy has stolen. I don't know how that will look- I just believe that God will give back to us immeasurably more than Satan can ever take away.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed."

Psalm 103: 2-6 (NIV) (emphasis mine)

I'm not making a big deal about this anniversary with the kids or with friends. We don't have big plans to mark the day. I just feel reflective and quiet as I think again about losing her and missing her and yet, also think about how abundant God's mercy and love have been throughout one of my darkest experiences. In spite of this, God's love has once again overwhelmed me and I know that I am blessed.

Family Needed

2009-10-06T19:23:00.001-06:00

Family Needed

This Boy

2009-10-06T14:19:00.000-06:00

This boy has made some progress that I didn't know if he'd ever be able to make in his life. Since coming home, John has struggled moment by moment with impulse control. The poor little guy couldn't seem to make a good choice to save his life. And it wasn't because he didn't want to make good choices- he just COULD NOT think before he acted. It was frustrating, sad and scary.

In just the past few weeks, since school started, this boy is a new boy! He has made strides that are nothing short of miraculous. I'm not saying he's perfect, or that I don't still see some of the effects that the trauma of his life handed him, I'm just saying that he is HEALING! The chaos that ruled his heart for so long- it is diminishing by drastic proportions.

I don't have a specific 'why' for this progress. I think that it may be a lot of things coming together. His heart and mind are believing that he is safe. That is a huge step that many kids who've been 'abandoned' for whatever reason canNOT ever make. He is also proud of himself- he believes that he has a lot to offer and that he is valuable. That is a gift from God! I also want to give major credit to his teacher this year, Mrs. K., who treasures him and inspires him in the most amazing ways.

I just had to share! This is such a praise. God has big plans for this boy- I can't wait to see what is coming.

Just Lovin' Me Some Fall Colors

2009-09-29T19:46:00.000-06:00

Torturing My Family

2009-09-26T17:39:00.000-06:00

We drove up into the mountains today ~~to let the kids play~~ so that I could torture everyone by taking 150 photos in hopes that one or two might turn out ok. We got a few cuties out of the bunch, and they really did have some time to play- at least 30 or 45 seconds.

We were hoping to see the Aspen changing- which is a beautiful sight, but I guess we didn't go high enough or we went to the wrong area because we didn't see much of that. We did see amazing green leaves against clean white snow which is fabulous too.

Even Jason and I got in front of the lens.

Caught Caleb 'in action' on this next shot. I love my camera!

Every time I take pics and try to practice my 'photog skills' I am appalled at how little I know and how far I have to go. I couldn't believe how many pics were out of focus when I uploaded them to the computer. But, I also had fun and we had a great day together as a family.

I'll take it, if that's what it takes.

2009-09-21T13:38:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was rough.

Monika has a really hard time submitting to me as her mother. She also despises apologizing or admitting when she's wrong. Combine those 2 issues and you can bet on some bad behavior.

Twice in a very short amount of time Monika acted selfishly and unkindly toward John. I required an apology the first time and then, when her apology was accompanied with the 2nd infraction, I required her to apologize with a kind, gentle voice in front of the whole family. She had time to prepare and think about this. She knew what the consequence would be if she didn't do it appropriately.

Well, guess what, she just couldn't do it well. She had to make a hateful face and use a disgusted tone of voice. She chose the consequence over humbling herself and admitting that she was wrong. So, she chose to spend the rest of the day on her bed. She was allowed out to eat and go to the bathroom when I gave her permission. She was allowed to have books to read on her bed.

After about 3 hours she decided to make her presence known throughout the entire house by wailing at the top of her lungs. She received further warnings and consequences until she realized that it was going to cost far more than it was worth to continue on.

A little before bedtime I checked on her and found that she was calm and possibly ready to talk. It's crazy, but I've found that after she's had her biggest fits or melt downs, we can have the most productive and even healing conversations. She was able to share some pretty big fears she has due to things she remembers from Haiti. She was even able to express that she feared I would do the same or worse to her. We were able to talk about her need to 'tell herself the truth.' She needs to look at her reality here, in this home, as a completely separate reality from her experiences in Haiti. That's a pretty big thing to ask a kid to do since most of us adults rarely have the insight into ourselves to do this.

I feel like she really heard me and that her responses indicated that she was trying to absorb and understand what we talked about. I had the opportunity to point out to her how big God is that He protected her in even the most scary circumstances and I got to share my excitement that He must have an incredible plan for her life. She smiled pretty big to think about God caring enough about her to protect her and her family. Hopefully she can now see a traumatic situation in a new light- the light of God's reality in her life. He cares so intimately for each and every one of us.

She got excited to think that He might use her and that, because she is a US citizen, she can travel back and forth between Haiti to help her family and the people there when she is an adult. Our conversation ended with a hug. She even asked me with child-like joy if we could have more talks like that!

So, yeah, yesterday was rough- but it ended well! It ended with a conversation that I have tried to coax out of her for...as long as she's been here. It ended with a bonding moment that was probably one of our best. It ended with me feeling like maybe I did things right, as a mother, instead of ending with guilt and frustration. It ended with peace and healing and progress. I'll definitely take it!

Comparing Notes

2009-09-14T13:12:00.000-06:00

It's crazy to me to think about how similarly almost all kids with broken hearts act out in response. I thought I'd share a few of our 'issues' and see if any of you relate. I'm also sharing how they respond when I actually do it right instead of how I normally parent them and get it completely wrong. And, if you have some issues or ideas you want to share- comment away!

One of Monika's 'things' that she does when she's feeling a little overwhelmed or she doesn't like what's going on, is that she slows waaaayyyy down. She moves like a turtle. I am a fast walker and if I'm going some where- I just want to get there. I am rarely late to anything- I'm usually early- sometimes inappropriately so. But Monika, well, not so much. I have yelled, gotten angry, taken her hand and 'helped her hurry' and I've given consequences. None of those things really changed the behavior or helped her and I relate better. We would both just end up mad at each other.

A friend reminded me last week to be more creative than that. So when we went to the zoo on Friday I was ready. We were at the zoo as a family to have fun, right? It would seem that this is not the occasion to act out. It's an occasion to join in on the family fun. But Monika was feeling a little overwhelmed, or tired, or scared, or... and so she decided to move very. slowly. So I put a smile on my face and said, "Monika, I see that you are trying really hard to walk slowly today, but I gotta tell you, I really think you could be even more slow than that. I don't think you've thought this all thru. I think that what you should do is take a step and then actually just stop and stand there for a few seconds and then take another step and stop again. That would make you so much slower, don't you think?" She got a sheepish grin and started to act like she didn't know what I was talking about. I just encouraged her to keep up the good work. You know what? She moved at an appropriate pace for the rest of the day and I didn't have to ask her to ~~keep up~~ walk more slowly again.

Not long after school started John was doing some reading/writing work in the afternoon. He was writing A's and the word ant. I asked him what the word was. He proceeded to sound out a..n..t for over an hour but couldn't for the life of him put it all together and say the word ant. He even asked me at one point if it was 'prairie dog.' Seriously? I think that school was tiring for him and it was new and probably even a little scary and so he needed to control something. I also realized later that he needed a really good cry. So after about 45 minutes I told him that if he couldn't tell me the word by a certain time then he would not get to go out for dinner with the rest of us who were going to meet Nana at Red Robin. He started to cry and never did come up with the word.

Now this was REALLY hard for me. I hated for him to miss out on dinner. And, let's face it, I didn't want Nana or anyone else to think that I was a mean mom with inappropriate consequences for the poor little fella. But he stayed home with dad and laid on his bed wailing and thrashing for about an hour and a half. Jason would check on him, but left him to it for quite some time. Finally he told John that he needed to settle down within the next 5 min. He told John that when he came back to check on him again he needed to have gotten quiet. This is when it got good- John actually told Jason that he didn't want him to leave, he wanted him to stay with him! John never asks for comfort and almost always fights off physical affection. He allowed Jason to sit on the bed with him and rub his back and he fell asleep within about 5 minutes.

The next day at homework time, and every day since then, John has been able to sound out cat and duck and many other words. He does it with a happy heart and is so proud of himself.

Both Monika and John play 'dumb' on a regular basis. It makes me want to put my head thru the wall. It drives me insane. As I've talked to other parents though, I've realized how normal this is for kids with attachment issues. I don't get it. It don't know if it is control, or if they are regressing back to toddler days and hoping to be babied a little bit, or what. I don't know. I do know that when I get super angry and frustrated, then nothing changes. When I give myself and/or them a break or let them suffer their own consequences and move on, we all behave better.

Those are a couple of our 'regular' behavior issues. They are a couple of issues that I rarely handle appropriately, but I'm learning, because my response makes such a huge difference in how each situation plays out. Okay, what have you got? I'm pretty sure that if we haven't struggled with it in our home, someone else who reads this probably has. And if what your trying in response to your kids' stuff isn't working, maybe someone will have a great idea to share that will make a huge difference for you!

A Few Recent Pics

2009-09-12T17:00:00.008-06:00

My brother came to visit recently. He rides a Harley and wrestles with my kiddos. He is also a great big teddy bear who loves really well. All of those things make him pretty 'awesome' in the eyes of 5 children who live here.

We made a family trip to the zoo this past Friday. I gotta say that all of the kids were really well behaved and had a great time. It was so nice to have a 'relatively' issue-free day.

Some Days are Just Harder

2009-09-09T15:55:00.006-06:00

Parenting has been tough lately. And it's hard for me to write about it on here because my readership consists of people who know us through church and community- they know my kids and see them regularly- and it just doesn't feel fair to my kids to openly share what's not pretty in such a public and unprotected way.

Much of what is hard about this is not the kids- because they are doing what almost all kiddos with attachment issues do. What is hard is having the right responses. I want to respond with gentleness and kindness. I want to be patient and safe and create an atmosphere that is healing. I want to laugh with them and be silly and show them love even when their behavior is most unlovable.

Truthfully, though, my responses are all too often full of frustration and anger. I am hard on my kids. I demand more than they can probably give. I am impatient and tough and not safe. (When I say I'm not 'safe' I mean that I don't relate to them in such a way that would make them want to open up and share their hearts, fears, anger, etc. with me. I don't mean that my kids are not physically safe in my presence.)

I work on this and see myself improving and then we get out of our routine and their behavior goes down hill and my behavior quickly follows. If only there was a constant routine that was never interrupted. I think most parents who are parenting kiddos with attachment issues long for extended stretches of time where the routine is completely the same every. single. day. And yet, that NEVER happens. Ever. So, we are consistently battling the regression that undoubtedly follows every change that comes our way.

Monika is also at an age that sometimes makes it hard to tell- is she just acting like most girls her age act? Are all the changes that her body is going thru making her a little 'crazy' right now? Or does her behavior stem from the issues related to adoption, poverty, abandonment, etc.?

I am so so thankful for friends I've met along the way who are bolder than I am on their blogs. If you're an adoptive parent whose kiddos have attachment issues I'd like to recommend a few of the blogs I'm aware of that have been a great help to me. I've probably recommended them before, but seriously, I need their ideas and help so often. If you have others you want to point me to- I'd love to hear about them! I know I've mentioned Christine on here before, several times. She has adopted from Haiti and thru the foster care system. My friend Corey adopted kiddos from the same orphanage that Monika and John came from. I've recently found a blog that is much newer to me. This lady, Tudu, has taken on many kiddos thru the system and thru personal relationships she has with families who find themselves unable to care for their kids for one reason or another.

Each of these women are creative in their parenting. They are strong women who have a lot of compassion and love for their kids. They remember in the midst of parenting that the issues they are dealing with are NOT the fault of the kids. They are not perfect- which is such a blessing, because if they were I would most likely despair thinking that I was the only one who never gets it right. I'm so thankful for mommas who are real and honest.

I've been longing to get on a plane and fly to meet them and spend time with them. I would love to see them in action. I'd also love to hang out with them just mom to mom and hear their stories, pick their brains, laugh with them and just enjoy being with other moms who live it day in and day out. I think we'd probably enjoy a fruity beverage or two while we were at it.

I've also been longing to have some time with my hubby and the 3 bio kids. I feel guilty about this, thinking that M and J shouldn't ever be treated as though they aren't as much a part of the family. I've had several seasoned pros tell me that this is actually a good thing to do and that it can be really important for the emotional health of the bio kids so I'm thinking on this idea and trying to find a way to make it happen. It would just feel really good to go do something fun knowing that someone isn't going to have the opportunity to ruin the occasion because family events aren't yet safe for them to experience without some sort of a meltdown.

I've been thinking about the idea of respite care. That would be when someone who we trust, and who 'gets it', could take the adopted kiddos for us on a somewhat regular basis so that we get some consistent and anticipated breaks. If any of you have done this and/or have any ideas about it, I would like to hear them. I'm not sure how we would make that work exactly so I'd just like to hear your thoughts. If you don't want to post them in the comment section you can email me at lmcbride123(at)msn(dot)com.

It is a little frightening for me to post this message. I fear judgemental comments from people who don't like the honest feelings and thoughts that I've shared on here. And yet, I know I'm not the only one, so I'll take the risk and hope that maybe this post makes one of you feel a little more 'normal' today.

(It's been about 5 minutes since I finished this. I keep rereading it and wondering if it's ok and I might be ready to hit 'publish' now, maybe...)

My Miracle Story

2009-08-26T08:47:00.004-06:00

I've been reminded several times lately that when I feel stuck, when I feel like I just can't get it right, I need to get my focus back on my God and stop trying so hard in my own power. So, today I'm focusing on God's goodness to me and praising Him. One way I want to do that is to share an amazing miracle that God gave me.

Last September I had braces put on my teeth. The reason was because my lower jaw was too small- by a lot- and this was causing quite a few complications including TMJ, loose teeth and daily pain. The plan was that I would wear the braces for a year in order to align my teeth properly so that an oral surgeon could then surgically break my lower jaw, move it forward, fill in the gap and then secure it in place with plates and screws. The braces would then stay on for another year while my jaw healed and the orthodontist continued to correct the alignment and any other straightening that needed to take place. Sounds pretty awful, right?

Even though it sounded awful to me too, I had been uncomfortable for long enough that I was pretty desperate to do whatever it would take. And, over the past 10 years I have had 2 different dentists, 2 different orthodontists and 2 different oral surgeons assure me that this was what I needed and that it was my only option.

Last fall, not long after I had the braces put on and the plan was in motion, I started a Bible study by Beth Moore called "Believing God." One of the chapters had a section in it challenging believers to ask God for physical healing for those people in our lives who need it. I immediately felt like I was supposed to pray that God would heal my jaw so that I would not need to have surgery. I prayed for that but didn't really expect it- I haven't always believed that God was still in the business of miracles. And, even if He was, I was pretty certain they were reserved for the really desperate situations- not for jaws that can be fixed surgically.

This spring when I went in for an ortho appointment I noticed that Dr. C seemed really confused with my bite. He kept looking at it, having me open and close, bite down, open again. He called for my chart and continually looked from my original xrays and pictures to what he could see before his eyes. Honestly, until that happened, I hadn't really thought about whether or not anything significant had changed, but I went home and looked in the mirror and was surprised to see that the huge gap that used to be there between my upper and lower jaws- the gap that I could stick my tongue thru- it was gone.

At my next appointment Dr. C had new xrays and pictures taken and he seemed at a loss. I told him that I had prayed that God would heal my jaw so that I wouldn't have to have surgery and he said that gave him chills. His assistant chimed in that my prayers had worked! As Dr. C left the room he called back to me "throw one up for me, will ya?" You bet I'm praying for him!

The next appointment was set up so that he could review my chart with me and make a new plan. He removed me from the surgical plan! Dr. C isn't ready to say that this was really a miracle, but he also can't explain to me, scientifically, what has happened. Regardless, my jaw is now the right size. It isn't too big, it isn't too small, it is right. And, in spite of what all those experts have told me over the past 10 years, I am not having surgery.

I've had a lot of questions rolling around in my mind about this like, why would God heal my little jaw and not raise some of my friends up out of their wheelchairs? He's God, it wouldn't take any more effort. God keeps gently reminding me that I am also NOT Him, so I don't get to choose and my mind is far too finite to possibly comprehend all the why's. What has been made clear to me thru this is that my loving precious God cares for the smallest details. He reaches out in the most unexpected ways. He loves to surprise us when we least expect it and maybe even least deserve it. He loves me/us lavishly and immeasurably. He did something for me that I prayed for but didn't have enough faith to really believe for- it wasn't because I had the right formula but because He loves me anyway.

That's my cool miracle story. Are you, or have you, been believing God for a miracle?

Just a Quick Update

2009-08-20T20:23:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is day 13 of the kids being back in school. I can't even tell you how much I love it. I drop them off at 8:30 and pick them up at 3:30. SEVEN whole hours to use how I wish, 5 days a week. I am shocked and amazed at how wonderful it feels to have all this time. Part of what I'm lovin' about this is that I have required NOTHING of myself yet. I have been shopping, I've read novels, I've journaled, read my Bible, prayed, I've met friends for breakfast and coffee... yep, that's how I've spent my days. And, to make it even better, Jason is off on Fridays so we have 7 hour long dates every week now! WOOHOO! Life is good.

I know that eventually I'll have to do some 'real life' stuff- projects around the house, appointments, volunteer at school, etc. But for right now, I'm just living it up.

Yesterday I drove out to the beautiful site where we had Nandinie's memorial service and read for a while and then took some pics. It was a gorgeous day and a beautiful place to be reminded of how big and creative and awesome our God is!

Tomorrow night we have 3 friends coming home with the kids after school for a giant sleepover. This is very much 'not like me.' I don't have a lot of sleepovers for my kiddos. But I'm excited about this one and hopefully it will go well so that I can feel good about doing more of them!

I need to tell you soon about the miraculous healing God did for me this year. It seems like I have so many things that I haven't shared on here and keep not getting too because I've fallen so far behind that my posts have turned into updates about what we 'do' instead of my thoughts and ramblings about what God has done. I'm hoping to get back to some of that now that I have some time on my hands!

Wanna Make A Huge Difference??

2009-08-11T20:58:00.001-06:00

How about goin' to THIS blog and reading a little of this heart-wrenching story and clicking on that 'Chip In' link to help this precious family bring their sweet girl home from Ghana.

Go ahead...do it right now...you'll be a blessing and be blessed!

2 Posts in 1 Day?

2009-07-29T20:30:00.003-06:00

Who would have ever thought???

I put extensions in Monika's hair on Monday. This was my first time. We made her hair a little more than twice it's actual length and at least 3 times as thick with 104 braids total. She is THRILLED.

We started at 9:30 on Monday morning and didn't finish until 9:45 that night. We took breaks for lunch, dinner and one other 30 min. reprieve. She was insanely patient.

Next time I know some things that I will do differently to be more efficient and get a more even length all around, but overall, for my first attempt, I'm pretty pleased with myself!

Need a Good Laugh?

2009-07-29T10:44:00.003-06:00

Caleb is still not well. He has asthma, so chest congestion turns into asthma attacks. He's been coughing nonstop day and night. He's on breathing treatments now so that seems to be helping. He's sleeping about 15 hours a day- obviously still really wiped out.

Jason got it too. He's been running a fever since Friday night. That's 5 days now. We think it's a strain of influenza. Maybe it's the dreaded H1N1- which I call the hynee flu because if the 1's were I's... do you get it? :) How do you spell hynee anyway? It wasn't listed as one of the synonyms for butt on Wikipedia. Go figure.

Disinfecting wipes are my friend right now. I've been wiping down everything- light switches, door knobs, telephones, faucets, appliances, bathrooms. And I'm doing laundry nonstop- everything goes in hot water with plenty of soap and bleach. The house feels like a germ factory. Thankfully none of the rest of us have gotten it yet. I'm praying for strong immune systems and quick healing. Quick in my definition hasn't happened yet.

The rest of us...who are well...are super stir crazy. I should take them out to do something fun today but I'd rather just take myself out for shopping and lunch at a nice restaurant.

My Poor Caleb!

2009-07-23T11:30:00.002-06:00

I'm so so sad. I went to visit Caleb at his camp yesterday only to find him in bed very sick. Well over 30 kids were sick or getting sick. He had been throwing up, running a fever, coughing, aching, dizzy, you name it. I had to bring him home.

I'm so heartbroken for him. He had been talking about this and looking forward to it for many months. He and his best buddy went together. Caleb started feeling bad on Monday, felt worse on Tuesday and by Wednesday was completely bed-ridden. What a huge huge disappointment for him.

He's still very sick today. We ended up in the ER last night because he kept complaining that his neck hurt. I got pretty scared. After being seen, he doesn't seem to have meningitis, praise God. This seems to be 'just' a bad viral infection that he's going to have to ride out.

I know that there are many worse problems in the world. This is a minor one. But I had hoped to give Caleb the gift of a week away from all the stress and chaos. I wanted him to be able to just play and make amazing memories and experience many new things. He really deserved this break and I'm kinda overreacting to how bad I feel about this.

I'm hoping to find some other fun things to do with/for him since he had to miss out on so much of his week. I'll probably take him to our local amusement park one day in the next couple of weeks and we may go camping with his best friend's family soon. I can't give him back his camp experience this year but I sure hope that we can send him again next year for a do-over.

This is Getting Ridiculous

2009-07-19T20:55:00.003-06:00

What's it been, like 6 weeks or something? At what point to you throw in the towel and assume you've lost all readership anyway? :)

After school let out we had one week before we packed up the suburban and travelled to Oklahoma to visit the extended family. We spent time with Jason's mom, brother and niece for a few days before we headed to my mom's house to visit with her, two of my brothers, their wives and my nephew. It was really good to see all of them. We usually try to make it to Ok. at least twice a year but it had been a whole year since the last time we were there.

Jason's mom, niece, nephew and the fab five.

My brother with the pests of the west.

After 10 days in the Oklahoma heat/humidity we left all 5 of the kiddos with my mom and headed out! We got to spend a night in Kansas with some great friends of ours and then we came home for almost 2 weeks of no kids. We went out to eat, went to a movie, rented movies, hiked a mountain, painted many many walls in our house, hung out with friends and just enjoyed being together. Our time with no kids was an amazing gift to us made possible by my mom and the help of my brothers and their families.

A couple of cool views from our hike up "Chief Mountain."

The kiddos didn't miss us for a second. They swam every single day, went fishing, went 'to work' with my brothers, had sleepovers with their aunts and uncles, toured several places of business, made crafts...you name it- they did it. I have no idea where my mom gets all her energy. I'm worn out just trying to type about it.

The next couple of weeks, after they came home, have been spent trying to get them back to 'normal' and trying to put the house back together after all the projects we started but have yet to finish. Monika and John had to test us at least a little for 'abandoning' them for those 2 weeks. I actually expected the testing to be much worse so I'm excited to say that I can truly see that we're making headway in the areas of attachment and bonding.

Today I dropped Caleb off at a camp in the mountains with one of his closest friends. This is his first 'camp' experience and I am so excited for him. We've been wanting to provide him with some time away from the chaos. He's the oldest, and the leader, and he's gotten pretty weary of some of the harder-to-deal-with siblings. We've been so proud of him over the past year and a half and I'm so glad that we could do this for him. I went to camp every summer for 8 or 9 years as a kid and I love thinking about the memories he will make this week.

We only have 2 1/2 weeks left before they all head back to school. The summers here are short, because their school calendar provides 2 weeks off for fall, Christmas and spring breaks. I really like this schedule and I think they are as ready to go back to school as I am ready for them to go. For the first time since becoming a mom 10 years ago ALL of my kids will be in school ALL day!

What will I possibly do with myself, you ask? Well, I'm planning to read, journal, pray, exercise, join a Bible study, try to keep the house in a state of more consistent cleanliness, keep up with the laundry, meet friends for coffee or lunch, and maybe (if I'm in a really good mood) help out at their school once or twice in the year. After getting to the place where I'm now a good 30+ pounds over weight- it's time to start working on that too. If I find myself with 'extra' time on my hands I could also work on my scrapbooks, practice photography, sort thru piles and piles of pictures and school projects that need filed or tossed... the list is endless. And, truthfully, at some point I'll probably need to lay aside almost EVERYTHING I've mentioned here and get a 'real job.' Ya know, the kind that pays money.

Jason got to preach over the July 4th weekend. He, of course, was amazing. The topic was centered around the parable in Matthew 13:44 about the treasure in the field. You can go here and scroll down to the bottom of the page to listen if you'd like.

Okay, that's the MUCH abbreviated version. Maybe another thing I could do when the kids go back to school is make an attempt at being a better blogger. Maybe...

Make Today COUNT!

2009-06-05T15:54:00.004-06:00

Go HERE TODAY and allow your heart to be broken and GIVE! Be a part of saving the lives of precious children who NEED your money and your prayers right this moment. Please don't wait- donate right now to the Medika Mamba program.

Livin' the Crazy Life

2009-06-04T10:24:00.005-06:00

Can I just say, wow!? I apologize for being so absent with the updates, but we have just been swamped.

This is finally the last week of school, which definitely adds to the craziness. Making sure that 5 kids have taken to school whatever they were each assigned to take for end of the year parties and teacher gifts- yeah, just a little overwhelming. But, I think that maybe I've got it all covered.

I have had some opportunities over the past several weeks to be a part of praying with women and families in need and going to a women's retreat that was fantastic. It seems like it has been a really long time since I've been able to participate in ministry on any consistent basis. Being a mom is definitely my full-time ministry, but I'm talking about ministry outside of my family. It has been so great, but it has also caused us to be more busy and it has taken me out of the home more so I feel a bit behind with some of the upkeep. I'll take it though, it's been so encouraging and inspiring and I feel a great amount of hope and joy.

A couple of weeks ago one of my precious friends was having new carpet put into her home. The carpet that was pulled out of their house that was still in fantastic condition was enough to re-carpet all but 2 rooms in my house and she gave that carpet to me! What an amazing gift. We have lived here for 10 years. Our house was new when we bought it and we picked out a very cheap carpet because we really couldn't afford anything nicer. Needless to say, between 3 babies/toddlers and 5 kids total running around on it everyday, our old stuff had seen better days and those days have been long gone for quite some time. Anyway, she also found someone who generously paid for the installation of the carpet! We purchased carpet for two rooms and that is the total cost that we paid to have beautiful carpet installed in our entire house. I can't tell you what an amazing gift this is. My house hasn't felt clean and beautiful like this for several years.

I've still been taking pictures and practicing with my camera as I get the chance. On May 14, my birthday, my best friend had her 5th baby (but the first boy!) So I've definitely been taking his picture as I get the chance. I'm also still watching sweet little 'J' a few days a week and he always makes for great picture-taking fun. Here are a few of my faves from the past few times I've gotten to practice on these sweet little boys.

We're going to visit family soon and then Jason and I get a TWO WEEK break with no kiddos. What in the world will we do with ourselves?? I'm very excited for the break, very thankful to my family who will be watching all five of the kids and just a little concerned about how long it will take us to get them all back on track when they come home.

Okay, I must run, but there's lots more to tell so I'll try to update again soon.

Medika Mamba

2009-05-26T21:06:00.002-06:00

Hey friends! I know, I know. I've been MIA. Honestly, for me and my family- that is a very healthy thing! We're doing well and I'll post more about us very soon.

For now, though, I want to share an incredible opportunity with you. Please go here and read about some magical peanut butter (Medika Mamba) that is helping to save lives in Haiti. Then, go here and see how you can help purchase enough of this amazing peanut butter to provide nourishment to over 100 children!

This is a legitimate, licensed non-profit organization that is working hard to make a difference in the lives of women and children in Haiti. I have donated to them before and know that they are using the money to help so many people.

I'm putting the word out for them and pleading with you to donate! My friend, Tara, is going to run a marathon in support of this ministry. You can pledge a dollar for each mile she runs ($26 total) and that amount will be matched 100% by another donor! Give more if you can. If $26 is too much- give what you can. We can make a huge difference in the lives of these children! This is such a tangible way to do something so worthwhile. Please take a moment and make a sacrificial donation to this amazing cause.

A Shout Out of Hope to All My Waiting Friends

2009-05-13T09:11:00.002-06:00

This week my mother-in-law sent me a precious card filled with encouraging words. The card and her words pointed me to Isaiah 60, and as I read verses 4 and 5 I thought of all my waiting friends. I'm lifting these verses up to our God on your behalf today!

Look and see, for everyone is coming home! Your sons are coming from distant lands; your little daughters will be carried home. Your eyes will shine, and your heart will thrill with joy!

Oh how I pray that this is true for each one of you today! How I pray that your waiting is coming to an end! I beg God that He reaches out His mighty hand and immediately and quickly releases all your children to come home to you! May we begin to recieve waves and waves of good news even today regarding the progression of all adoption paperwork thru every system. Surely it is time.

Why I Almost Kissed the Sales Clerk

2009-05-09T14:59:00.003-06:00

I took Monika to the mall today to do a little shopping. She was in desperate need of some new shoes- hers were 2 sizes too small- oops. And, we're going on a little road trip soon and she needs a new bathing suit for the hotel pool! She was so excited to get to shop. Remember the days when it was easier to buy a swimsuit than a pair of shoes? Yeah, me neither. But that is how our shopping went today.

Anyway, as we were checking out, a sales clerk was walking by and she told Monika how beautiful her hair is. Monika said thank you. The sales lady asked her who does her hair and Monika pointed at me. The lady just nodded her head and said, "oh, your momma does it." That was her first bonus point- she assumed I was momma regardless of how vastly different my skin color is from Monika's. She treated us as if we 'obviously' went together.

She then leaned in close to Monika and said, "I would give anything to have a daughter just like you." How sweet is that! I said, "Yeah, she's pretty special!" And the lady said, "She is VERY special." All of that in front of my sweet girl. Monika was grinning from ear to ear.

That lady didn't need to ask for details or say anything that would indicate that she thought Monika and I didn't 'go together.' She just enjoyed a momma and her daughter out shopping together and poured some wonderful words into Monika's heart. I could have kissed her.

Breaking the fast with an update

2009-04-21T19:03:00.004-06:00

Hey friends,
The media fast went really well. There's a really cool story about how I came to be on a media fast- that I'll probably share at some point- but right now I'm just checking in to let everyone know we're doing pretty well. I really needed to take that break for myself and my family- and now I really need to make sure that I maintain a much healthier balance with how much I'm on the internet.

I've taken the computer out of my room and won't be keeping a computer on all day every day like I used to. And, one of the things that was keeping me so tied up was that I was reading every blog posted by every person in the good ole' US of A. When I finally checked my blog reader after 24 days I had 399 unread posts! That's crazy! So, I love you all, but I've had to scale back a bit. Most likely the blogs I removed are ones that didn't know I existed anyway. :)

As a family we all took a media fast- no video games, movies, TV, etc. No Webkinz- much to my kids' dismay. But you know, it was really really great. The kids played hours and hours of legos. The girls played lots of house, baby dolls, etc. As a family, we played lots of games and read together more. It was such an eye opener to see how much of those things we'd lost to electronics. Jason and I have decided that media fasts will become a more regular part of our lives- like maybe we'll take a week off every month or something- we've still got to set up a plan.

My mom came to visit and Jason and I got to go away for 2 nights. We had a little 'staycation' at a hotel a few miles from our house. We ate out, shopped, played lots of cards, and took my camera downtown to get some more practice. We had a blast walking Denver's 16th street mall taking pics of anything and everything. Even while we were gone we didn't turn the tv on in the hotel or go to any movies and that was great!

Both Caleb and Ethan celebrated birthdays in the past few weeks. Caleb is now 10 and Ethan is 8. They each had really fun times with friends. And my sweet little Anna prayed and asked Jesus to be her Savior on March 30th. She is only 5 but she understands as much as she needs to for now and we'll continue to teach her more as she grows.

I'm sure there's more but the kids are already falling apart in the few minutes I've decided to update my blog after all this time. I'll post pics soon- as soon as I can figure out how to get them uploaded onto a different computer now that mine isn't plugged in anymore.

Oh, and before I checked out I promised you the link to Jason's sermon which I never posted so here it is: The Power of the Spirit: The Holy Spirit Transforms- you may have to scroll down to his sermon.

Media Fast

2009-03-26T20:28:00.002-06:00

Hey friends-

Just wanted you to know that I'm taking a break from email and internet for an undetermined amount of time.

If you need me and don't have my phone number please email me- with patience- I'll have Jason check my account occasionally to see if I need to contact someone. lmcbride123 at msn dot com And, please send your phone number in the email! I'm goin' old school.

Blessings! Laura

Random Bullet Points

2009-03-24T18:51:00.003-06:00

Once you figure out that kids who make bad choices can do grunt work- you don't get mad as easily. You actually get a little excited as you think about those chores that you hate to do getting done by somebody else. In the past 2 days I've gotten 2 bathrooms scrubbed top to bottom and all of the baseboards in the house wiped down.
My bathroom, including my shower/tub, is getting cleaned right now. THAT makes me so so happy!
If I've done so many loads of laundry that there are no more hangers to hang clothes on, does that mean I get to stop doing laundry or that I need to get rid of some clothes?
In the past year Monika has grown by 30 pounds and about 6 inches. That's a lot of growing for a 10 year old body!
I spend a lot of my days now wondering what my facebook status should say- I wonder what sort of a phenomenon facebook is- I'm addicted but not sure what about it exactly I'm addicted to.
So far, we're doing well on this Spring Break. I know, it's only Tuesday, but I feel very calm and that makes all the difference in the world for the rest of the fam!
I went off of my prescription happy pills a couple of months ago- too many side effects- and a couple of weeks ago I started some all natural supplements. I think they really work! I was a bit doubtful, but I think there might really be something to them! That, or the power of suggestion works like a charm on this simple mind.
My hubby preached this past weekend. He was A-mazing. I'll post the link when it's online.
I should be doing something, anything, but the internet right now. So I'm gonna go and try to be productive. 'I think I can.'

It's Spring Break

2009-03-23T12:11:00.004-06:00

I was kinda dreading it. The weekends get really long around here so 2 weeks off sounded SUPER LONG. But I'm working hard on my perspective and trying to spend more and more time reading the Bible- especially those verses that speak to me where I am right now, praying, taking deep breaths... And my husband, who I can't say enough good things about, is taking some extra days off to be home with us and so that we can go do some fun stuff together as a family. So I am hopeful and that is a good place to be.

This past Friday night some great friends of ours took our kids for us so that we could go on a date. That was wonderful. Then on Saturday evening and Sunday morning my man got to preach again. Can I just keep bragging on him for a minute? He is amazing. God has his hand on that man and he wants to use him to spread the Good News of the love of Christ to many people. Jason sought God about what he was to say and he was full of the Spirit's power as he spoke. I'll post a link to it when it's up and running on the website.

And last night, some new friends of ours who we're super excited about, took our kids for us and we got to go on a 2nd date! TWO dates in 1 weekend! That is amazing! The weather has been beautiful so we went up to the spot where we had Nandinie's memorial service and I took my fancy new camera and some junk food and we had a great time taking pics of beautiful skies and scenery and just chatting uninterrupted.

Today the kids are playing together really well. They are doing what kids are supposed to do- building forts out of blankets! My entire family room is one big fort. I have happy memories of doing this when I was a kid and it is so fun to watch our kids make those memories too. Right now a couple of kiddos are doing some grunt work to pay their brother for an expensive item them broke. Then daddy is going to take them all to the movie. (I'm going to enjoy some quiet time while they're gone!)

Not too long from now my mom is going to come for a visit. She's going to stay here with the kids for a couple of nights so that Jason and I can get some extended time away! WOO HOO!

Over all my perspective is improving and with that, my attitude.

How 'Bout Just Some Pics

2009-03-14T12:08:00.003-06:00

Monika LOVES babies and she had a good time reading one of her books to the adorable little fella I get to watch a few days a week.
Jason and I actually made an appearance at all 5 of the kids' Valentine Parties. Monika was pretty excited to have us join her.

This is Anna with her best friend, Jadyn:

I've been having a lot of fun playing with my new camera and I'm so happy to have good, clear pics:

Ethan isn't a huge fan of having his picture taken. If you see the pain and 'unsureness' in my sweet boy's eyes that I see, will you pray for him? He's really struggling right now and we're looking into what kind of help he may need to find peace and joy. I hesitate to share too much on here, but he's in a dark place and it's hard to watch and very hard to understand.

John and Anna helped me practice with the new camera, they make a pretty cute pair!

Don't Ya Hate It When

2009-03-12T10:45:00.004-06:00

you start seeing an attachment therapist to find ways to help your adopted children only to find out you're the one who really needs help???

Yeah, I hate that too.

I don't want to get into an overly-analytical psycho-babal type thing, but basically I have become so exhausted- emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically that I have reverted WAY back to some coping skills that are so so so unhealthy. When I get stressed out at the same time that Monika and John get stressed out we're basically all 3 behaving very poorly. And then, I get really angry at all 3 of us and dislike the way all 3 of us are behaving and take it all out on them and the other kids too. Then I go into my room and berate myself and decide to completely disengage to prevent that sort of thing from happening again. That's great, isn't it?

I have to say that the therapist we are seeing was sent to us by God. She is exactly what we need right now. We've only been twice but she has gotten to the root of some things in me that, when worked thru, will make a massive change in the temperature of our home life. I won't be surpised if, when we are done with therapy, she is simply gone- because I'm fairly convinced she might be an angel. And if she can help me this much in such a short amount of time, I can't wait to see how she helps us with M and J since that is actually where her specialty lies.

It feels really good to have hope that we are making strides in our family that have the potential to bring GREAT peace and love into this family. I already feel like my own burden is a little lighter today.

2009-03-11T09:17:00.002-06:00

Go here today and help us raise money for an INCREDIBLE ministry in Haiti.

Come on, just do it!

A Cool God Lesson and An Update

2009-03-03T14:42:00.008-07:00

Yep, it's been a while. We're still here and it's still hard and God is still with us!

I want to share something that God taught me through Beth Moore's study called 'Believing God.' Last week as I was reading the story of Jericho as part of the study, God pointed out to me that the Israelites did not battle Jericho. They obeyed God by doing some mundane marching around the city and then they obeyed God by shouting and celebrating the victory He had promised. He had already given them the city. They received what was theirs when they praised God for it. They praised Him first and the walls of Jericho fell. They believed that He had completed what He promised before they physically received the promise.

God has already placed Monika and John in a family. The promise is already complete. But, because they are so young and they have been so hurt, they cannot believe in their hearts that this is forever and it is safe. I cannot break down the walls that they have put up to protect their fragile hearts by going to battle with them, but maybe, if I spoke the truth of who they are in Christ and who they are in this family over them and to them, maybe they would begin to believe it. Maybe if I stopped trying to 'fix' their behavior and started thanking God for placing these orphans in a family and for making them complete in Him, maybe, just maybe, they would begin to experience the victory in their hearts that is already theirs. The victory is already ours, we just need to live in the freedom of it- all of us, together- as a family. God has placed His power in our praise and in our words when we speak His truth. I wonder what would happen if we grabbed hold of that power and used it to speak healing and love into the hearts of children...

That is a pretty cool lesson, that I need to study and take further and meditate on and soak up and practice and live- you get the picture.

Now onto a VERY LONG update:

Jason and I went to our first therapy/counseling appt. last Friday. It is so cool how God lead us to this person. I posted about it earlier, but my mom sent me a link to a website, (I think she just liked the quote of the day that she received and so she forwarded it to me) but along with the quote, was the link to Beyond Consequences. From that site I found a list of counselors, by state, who are 'certified' to use this method in their counseling. I called a couple of offices in the Denver area and found a woman who is a believer and whose counseling practice is almost completely contracted thru the state to work with foster children and families. And, her fees are so much more reasonable than we could have hoped.

Anyway, Jason and I both really like her. She's been working with traumatized kids her entire career. She started out living in a boys home, then she did in-home therapy for foster children. Now she is part of a practice that specializes is helping children and families who specifically struggle with attachment and trauma issues. The one 'nugget' of info that I took from this first meeting was such an 'aha moment' for me. I am a control FREAK. (That's not the nugget, I've known that for a long time. (: ) I have raised my kiddos with extreme consistency and very high expectations. I'm not saying that that's the correct way of doing things, it's just what I have done. And, for our bio kids, it has seemed okay. They know my expectations and they have learned to make good choices and they are, for the most part, very well-behaved and easy to be around. Now, they're still kids, don't get me wrong, this is just an overall picture.

With John and Monika, I assumed that logical choices and consequences were the way to go. It worked with my other 3, it is in a lot of books, and even a lot of adoption books. Logic-based parenting is also outcome-based. I am looking for the right outcome. I want them to learn to make the right choices, and when they don't the consequence is designed to remind them to choose a better 'outcome' next time. Our counselor told me, that for now, I need to let go of my obsession with outcomes because J and M can't necessarily makes those logical choices yet and when they don't I get frustrated and angry and even lose my ability to relate to them in a loving way. So, for now, I need to worry much more about the relationship with them rather than the outcomes. That was my 'nugget.' I don't know exactly how this will all look, but I'm already feeling more peace as I set aside so many of my expectations and find ways to be 'nice.'

I also received the book, 'Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control' yesterday and started reading it. Right away the author reinforced this lesson for me. She talks about how children with severe trauma respond to all stressful things in their lives out of fear and that we, as their parents, need to help retrain their brains to respond out of a secure foundation of love instead.

If you're still reading this extremely long post then you either love me an awful lot or you are maybe struggling as I am. If you are still reading because you love me, will you please also pray for me? I can see the benefit of these lessons I'm learning and I want to make the right parenting changes that are needed to help M and J (and all of us), but honestly, I don't feel as loving as I want to. I don't necessarily want to be nice. I mostly just feel beat up and worn out and drained. Some of these things I need to do are going to require correct actions inspite of how I feel. And, I'm hoping and praying that the feeling will come in response to me making my own better choices. (I need to reiterate- Monika and John are NOT the problem. Life hasn't been safe for them. Their responses to life are so normal for all that they've been thru. And, much of the reason why I am so drained is because I have been parenting as I know how, not as is best for them, so the results haven't been helpful or easy. I am very hopeful that we will see great strides in them over the next year or two as we get the help we need to be more of what they need.)

That's where we're at today. I'm emotional and tired. I cry a lot. But I also see God sticking to me like glue. He's not letting go. He's holding me and sustaining me. He's going to use all of this not just for M and J, but for me too. He's going to continue to mold me and refine me into the woman and mother that will most look like Him.

Sorry this was so long... I'm done rambling for now. :)

Attempting to be Proactive

2009-02-19T13:37:00.003-07:00

If I'm honest with you, which I usually am, I'll tell you that I had some serious thoughts of wrapping up this blog on the 1 year anniversary and calling it good. Not because anything has gone wrong here in blog world- but more because I feel so weary and I don't like to get stuck in or focus on negative stuff. I don't want to have a stream of posts that are all about the hard places in my life. I like for life to be pretty and I really like for people to see the pretty side of me- not the ugliness that is surfacing far more than it should lately.

But, about the time I was going to hang up my hat here, I decided to post about what was going on and wouldn't you know- people needed to hear that. I want to thank those of you who have emailed me to say that you were encouraged. And I really want to thank those of you who emailed with love and encouragement for me. I have gotten some amazing ideas from some mom's who've been struggling with parenting adoptive kids for a WHOLE lot longer than I have.

If you are in the same place as me- knowing that your kids are doing what most adoptive kids do- but not feeling equipped to handle it, I want to really encourage you to go read my friend Christine's thoughts on parenting kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Even if your kids are on the very mild end of the attachment issues spectrum- you'll find some amazing ideas on her blog for parenting without getting so emotionally caught up in the behavior. She doesn't claim to be an expert, she's just been doing this for longer than me and her kiddos have been thru a lot more pain than mine so she's had to learn on a very steep curve how to help them NOW. And, while she might not admit it, God has definitely gifted her with a creative mind for thinking on her feet and also with the ability to clearly communicate to all us other moms the wisdom she's gained as she's walked with her family thru all the life they've lived in a short few years.

I'm working hard to learn and trying to be proactive in getting help with the issues we're dealing with here at home. But I'm kinda drained right now because I was caught off guard by how quickly so many behaviors decided to surface in BOTH kids at the same time. However, God is good, isn't he? Last week, as I was feeling quite lost as to what to do, Christine posted that post that met me right where I was with Monika. And, last week, when I was at the end of my rope, my mom sent me a link to a website that I so needed.

I had heard of a book called 'Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control' but I haven't read it and didn't realize that it is a very small part of a ministry directed at helping parents learn how to parent severe behaviors. And, God is good, because the author is conducting a seminar in Denver on March 28 and it is FREE! All I need is the book to get in. When I read the description I started crying because it so perfectly described the kind of help I need RIGHT NOW. She has seminars scheduled throughout the year in many different places so check it out to see if there is one in your area!

Anyway, she also has a list of trained counselors/therapists throughout the country and their contact info. (Little did my mom know all the good she did by sending me this one website!) I have contacted a couple of different offices and I am awaiting a call back from a Christian counselor here in Denver who specializes in helping adoptive and foster families! We're goin' to therapy!

'I love it when a plan comes together.' (Recognize that quote??? ;) I'm totally aging myself with that.) Maybe I should offer some sort of prize to whoever leaves the first comment telling me what that quote is from.

In the mean time, Jason is doing his best to be home each afternoon when the kids get home from school. We're doing homework as a team- because that is one of the major breakdown areas for us right now. And, we're doing our best to keep eachother informed of what is going on and who has done what and what the consequences may be so that the kiddos can't pull something over on one parent behind the other parent's back.

God has also been teaching me some pretty cool things lately. I'll have to share more on that later, though. This is already turning into a novel. A little teaser: I am amazed more and more at how much adding to our family thru adoption has taught me about my spiritual adoption into God's family. I'm constantly overwhelmed as I learn that this adoption process is about God teaching me how MUCH He loves me and how COMPLETELY WHOLE I am in Him.

For Example

2009-02-12T17:46:00.003-07:00

A little glimpse into what we have going on here right now:

My 10 year old daughter and I were having a conversation about what day it is today. Somehow despite being in school all week she has no idea that today is Thursday. Despite the fact that tomorrow is a really fun day at school- Valentine's party day- she can't begin to come up with what today is.

I asked her what sort of problem solving she could do to figure out what today is. She thought she should say the days of the week. That's definitely a good start, except that she also, despite just perfectly completing a math page full of multiplication and division sentences, can't seem to figure out what order the days of the week fall. In fact, she couldn't say it the same way twice. So I gave her a 'deadline' for figuring out what that order is and what today is. She decided to pout. I told her that she could either get up and go find the answers somewhere in the house, or she could go sit on her bed, but that she could not pout in my presence. She chose to go sit in the other room to pout.

I remind her that that wasn't one of the options.

She is now wailing at the top of her lungs, like a toddler, on her bed. She is welcome to come out at any point to go look at a calendar and find her answers. But she would far prefer to sit on her bed and wail.

At least right now, I'm handling it appropriately. Mostly thanks to God's awesome timing. My cyber-friend Christine posted this earlier today and that gave me the gumption to make my own better choices tonight.

If you haven't dealt with attachment issues before, this may sound like a silly thing for me to get worked up over. However, consider that right now John and Monika are both acting like they know absolutely nothing all day long. And, they are also lying all day long. And, John is also breaking and getting into anything and everything he can. After a while- these things kinda add up, kwim?

I have to remind myself constantly, that all of this behavior stems from the massive emotional injuries my children have endured. This behavior is NOT John and Monika. John and Monika are beautiful, precious children of God- regardless of how ugly they may act. They are JUST LIKE every other child in the world in regards to how much they deserve to be believed in and loved unconditionally. I don't always react to their behavior like I believe this. But I am going to keep learning and doing better- I am going to persist.

Our 1st Forever Family Day

2009-02-09T08:44:00.004-07:00

So today is 'the' day. February 9, 2008 Jason and I flew home from Florida with our hearts bursting because we were bringing Monika and John with us! We weren't coming home empty-handed. I had invisioned the day and the arrival at the airport and it happened just like I had dreamed. We were greeted by so many friends and family. All 5 of our children were thrilled to meet each other and begin getting to know each other. My mom, two of my brothers, a sis-in-law and my nephew were all there to greet us too.

This has definitely been the shortest year of my life. I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe all that we've done and experienced. I can't believe all the ways that God has blessed us.

It has also been a hard year. Having 5 kids is hard. Having 2 kids who have lived thru what Monika and John have, and are now trying to learn to live life in spite of all that, is hard. Losing Nandinie is hard. Our church has experienced some really tough things. And I have personally had a hard year as I've fought with my own weaknesses and failings. I've struggled to live in the freedom of God's truth about who I am.

I want to celebrate today and show each of my children how blessed and thankful we are to have them in our lives. I want to tell them how much I love them and communicate their value to them. But the day already started off wrong. I already sent one of my children to school after coming down hard on them for lying and acting 'dumb.' I hope that tonight is better. We need some really good time together as a family. We need laughter and love and peace for at least a little while! We need a break from the ugly side of life.

I would covet your prayers for me, personally. I have been feeling so weary and discouraged lately. I feel like I can't get it right no matter how hard I try. I want to not just choose to celebrate my children and my family, I want to really feel like doing so. I want to respond to their poor choices with love, patience, and wisdom rather than frustration and anger. I want my interactions with them to be filled with the overflow of the love I constantly receive from my heavenly Father.

Regardless of how I 'feel' the truth still stands. We are blessed. Our children are amazing. I am living out my lifelong dream of being a mom to bio and adopted children. Today is a day to thank God for all the miracles He's done to create this family and continue to grow us in Him.

Needing a New Frame of Mind

2009-02-07T17:38:00.003-07:00

I gotta tell you- this has been a hard week. The kids have been in trouble pretty much nonstop and I'm so frustrated with my reactions. I'm ashamed of myself for saying hurtful things to them in my anger. I'm tired of feeling like our house is full of so much negative.

So, I should be posting coming home pics and talking about how amazing it is that it's been a year. And I should be going on and on about how blessed I am and how well they are all adjusting- and much of all that positive stuff would be true. But right now, I'd really just like to go out for a drink with my girlfriends! :)

I remember reading way back when, that important milestones can bring up a lot of the junk from our kids' pasts. Research shows that their 'biological clocks' know when they're in the midst of an anniversary of significance, either good or bad. So, I'm hoping that all this junk that we have going on here right now is specifically related to their subconsciences trying to wade thru all of the emotions and experiences from a year ago, and hopefully we'll get back to our version of normal sometime very soon!

We're not planning a huge party to celebrate this anniversary. We don't want the day to be about balloons, gifts, large crowds, or loud and crazy events. We're having another family over for dinner tomorrow night where we'll eat pizza and cake and talk about how thankful we are for our family being together. And on Monday, the actual anniversary, we'll have a family night at home. I want to write each of my kids a letter and just let them know how much we love them. To do that as well as I want to- I'm gonna need to get my frame of mind in the right place!

I feel like I've allowed way too much of my joy to be stolen from me lately. I need it back!

One Year Ago

2009-02-03T18:47:00.003-07:00

on the first Tuesday in February, I held Nandinie in my arms for the first and only time.

Clickinmoms

2009-02-03T12:16:00.004-07:00

Over on the right side of my blog you'll find a link to a photography forum that I joined last year. I wanted to give you a little bit more info about it. If you are a mom who is interested in learning more about taking great pics of your kiddos and/or family events this is an awesome place to learn. If you have a passion for photography and are interested in taking that passion even further, this site offers so many fantastic tutorials and ideas.

One of the great things about this group is that it is private. You can share pics of your kids there and feel safe that those pics aren't getting into the wrong hands. In order to maintain such a well-designed and user friendly forum that is also safe, there is a small fee to join. I've posted information about the fees toward the bottom of this post.

During the month of February the administrators of the site are hosting a contest encouraging members to recruit new moms. So, if you join this month by clicking on one of the links here on my blog I will get credit and could win a cool prize. And, if you use FRIEND for you coupon code you will get 10% off your membership! On top of that, you will then be able to post a link on your blog and begin to get credit when people join thru you!

You can read much more about the site by clicking on the banner at the top of this post or the link on the side of my blog.

Here are 3 different ways you can choose from to pay for your subscription:
1 Month ($6.00)
Your Paypal account will be billed $6 now and $6 every month that you remain a member, regardless of site price increases. You can cancel at any time.
1 Year ($50.00)
Your Paypal account will be billed $50 now and $50 every year that you remain a member, regardless of site price increases. You can cancel at any time.
6 Months ($30.00)
Your Paypal account will be billed $30 now and $30 every 6 months that you remain a member, regardless of site price increases. You can cancel at any time.
I finally got my awesome new camera last week and I took these pics after getting some great ideas from other 'clickinmoms'-

Alrighty, there's my shameless plug for my new favorite site on the web!

Last February

2009-02-02T15:46:00.007-07:00

One year ago on the first Monday of February I got on a plane by myself. I flew to Florida and spent the night and the next day I boarded another plane by myself and flew to PAP, Haiti where I got off the plane, gathered my own luggage, exited the security of the airport and was approached by the largest Haitian man I have ever seen. He wanted to 'help' me with my luggage. I stood very still with a very tight grip on my luggage and very boldly and sternly told him that I had a driver and that I would not go any further without him. I told him I was looking for Dennis. 'Big', as he was actually called!, pointed to Dennis and we were on our way.

We went to the orphanage where Monika and John were anxiously waiting with their birthmom and her precious baby girl, Nandinie. We spent time with them and with the other kids before heading to the hotel. Monika and John hugged their momma and their baby sister goodbye. Monika shed a few quiet tears. John was pretty much oblivious. Momma was a little teary-eyed. I got choked up but held it together. It was a strange strange moment- it was sad, heart-breaking, exciting and hope-filled all at once.

That night and the next day we spent at the hotel swimming, eating, coloring, taking baths, playing with toys, being bored and stir-crazy. We had no choice- it was Carnival and no government offices were open.

On Thursday Jamie and Ali, 2 amazing young women who serve full time in Haiti taking care of babies while they await adoption, took the 3 of us to our 'drop-in appointment' with the US Consulate. We had no reason to believe we would get past the armed gate. We had no way to know if we would even get a glimpse of anyone who would in any way be able to help us. I had hope and prayer, I had determination, but in and of myself I was completely powerless. Completely. Just as I had been throughout the entire process of waiting for my kids to come home. However God intervened in the most loving and beautiful way for us. You can read about that here.

From there it was time to come home!

Praying for my Friends

2009-01-29T13:25:00.002-07:00

I hope that you'll join me.

Liberia, Africa just shut down it's adoption program completely. No one who is waiting for their kids to come home will be allowed to bring them home. I have friends who have been waiting for over 23 months for their boys to come home. I know another family who has been declared the legal parents of their Liberian son, his last name has been legally changed, but that boy can't come home.

Please pray for these families. This is so devastating. And pray for all those sweet children who long to have a mommy to tuck them in at night. Who dream of a daddy to play with. Who can't possibly understand why their first families are gone and their new families aren't coming. This is so heartbreaking.

God can work even in the midst of what looks impossible to us. Please pray for Him to intervene. Pray for miraculous intervention that results in legitimate loving families bringing home true orphan children who desperately need this hope realized in their little hearts. And please stop by these blogs to encourage and love on these families who are grieving and wondering how much more they can take.

Johnson's Adoption Story

Storing Up Treasures In Heaven

25 Random Facts

2009-01-27T16:35:00.003-07:00

I've been tagged a couple of different times lately. Once was here on my blog. The other time was on Facebook- where all of my blog posts are automatically fed into my notes. So, I'm going to attempt this '25 Random Facts about Me' thing and we'll see where this goes. (Especially since I've been such a slacker here lately... I need some kind of kick in the rear to post some kinda somethin'.)

1. I was born in Hutchinson, Kansas.
2. I have lived in Kansas, California, Colorado, Oklahoma, and 1 semester in Texas.
3. I went to prom 3 years in a row- all with the same boy.
4. That boy, when we finally broke up 'for good' told me I needed someone like Jason- he actually knew Jason and recommended him to me!
5. My favorite year of school was my freshman year- at Liberal High School in Liberal, KS. During that year I was a cheerleadin', clarinet playin', choir singin', drama actin', boy chasing fool. There was lots of fun times with girl friends, lots of drama with boys- you name it, it was just like what high school was supposed to be- and I've romanticized it because I've been bitter that we moved ever since.
6. After that year we moved to Stillwater, OK and high school just wasn't ever the same.
7. I started driving at 14 because in Kansas you can do that sort of thing.
8. I stopped driving at 15 because in Oklahoma you can't.
9. I played one of the lead roles in 'Guys and Dolls' as a junior. I was type-cast as the Bible thumping no-fun square, Sgt. Sarah Brown, that I actually was at that time.
10. I got married at 21 to my very best friend.
11. I had babies at 23, 25 and 28.
12. We then added 2 more kiddos to our family, thru adoption, when I was 32.
13. I now have 5 kids between the ages of 5 and 10.
14. I'm one of 'those' moms. I'm super strict. My kids don't play inside the homes of people I don't know. They don't go places by themselves. I don't drop them off at the movies or the mall. (You know why? Because I so remember why I wanted all those freedoms!)
15. I thought that I would be a home school mom until our first born was a few weeks old. I then knew that our kids would be going to school somewhere else.
16. I have turned into an internet-addicted hermit. I used to like to be out all the time. Now I am stuck in front of this screen and KNOW that I need to do something about it.
17. I like to do crafts- as long as they don't make a mess, don't take too long, don't require multiple trips to the store for supplies, have a purpose, don't look like garbage when I'm done, etc. Basically- those kits that you buy at the craft store that are all-inclusive and result in something that looks store-bought within about 15 minutes. Those are my types of crafts.
18. When I was growing up I never saw my parents take one drink of alcohol.
19. I happen to like to drink a little here and there. Fruity beverages when I'm on a date with my hubby or out with my friends- that's the best. My favorite is a Mohito.
20. I am a pastor's wife.
21. I don't fit the mold of a pastor's wife- and try to keep it that way.
22. I love Jesus.
23. I want to live my life so that Jesus is someone that other people want to know, rather than someone they hate or fear. I think that is what He'd want from me.
24. I want to be a professional photographer.
25. I just got my new fancy camera today!!

Wait, that's 25 and I'm not done! I totally love this 'all about me thing!' And I know that my life is so fascinating and fabulous that everyone else wants it to be all about me too! You know you'd love to read about 75 more things about me...

Okay, I'm not tagging anyone in particular- except for my Aunt Faith- she totally needs to do this. As long as I've known her she's been fabulous and I know she's got a lot to say. ;) For the rest of you, if read this and you haven't done it yet- just do it. You'll love it. EVERYONE loves to talk about themselves!

Glancing Back

2009-01-14T16:40:00.002-07:00

In less than 4 weeks we will celebrate the one year anniversary of our 'Forever Family' day- the day that Monika and John were at home with us after a 2 year journey to that day. I've been thinking back at what our January looked like last year. It was crazy- it had more twists and turns in the plot of this story than... well, than there should have been!

One year ago today I posted about the productive vs. unproductive ways I was handling the waiting, stress and anxiety. I wanted to tell you to just go back and read thru the posts from January 2008 but the archives aren't that easy. (Why is that? I'm quite frustrated with the archives at this moment.) The easiest way to go back to some of them, if you're so inclined, is to click on the label waiting and then scroll down just a few posts because come February 9, I was no longer waiting- until we started our very stunted wait toward Nandinie.

This past year has gone by like a second in time. It has been a year of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my life. I have had some of my very best parenting moments and by far, some of my worst. I have learned more, grown more, cried more, laughed more- you name it, I've done more of it. It has been a year of intensity like I could have never imagined. While I have had some of the worst moments of my life, this has still been, overall, the best year of my life.

As I look ahead I sense that God will continue to require more of me. And, I know that He will not settle for what I've given Him so far. He wants ALL of me. I sense Him leading me into a whole new understanding of who He is, and with that understanding will come more responsibility to live in that light. I've begun the study, Believing God, by Beth Moore. It is kicking my rear end! In fact, I often feel quite sure that she must have a hidden camera in my home and a miraculous ability to read my mind so she wrote the entire thing just for me.

I'm excited to throw open the box I've put God in and let Him out! I want to allow Him to be who He really is in my life. I want to take the risk of letting Him have His way in me.

As I grow in that area I pray and know that I will learn to love better. I want to love my husband better. I want and desperately need to love my children better. I want to love my extended family, friends and anyone who God brings into my life much better.

And, if I grow in those 2 areas alone, this should be an exhausting, exhilarating, and fabulous year like none other! All that rambling, and I started out just wanting to point you to a light-hearted yet honest post on how schizophrenic I was in those final weeks before they were finally released to come home.

Fabulous!

2009-01-13T17:01:00.004-07:00

If you hang around with me for more than a few minutes or so you'll find that I use the word fabulous quite often. I LOVE that word! And today my blog/facebook friend, Taryn, gave me my first Blog Award- she thinks my blog is fabulous! ;) Thanks Taryn!

As part of accepting my 'award' I have a couple of responsibilities. I need to pass on the award to 5 other blogs I think are fabulous and also list 5 things I'm addicted to.

I'm sending my fabulous blog love to:

A Simple Life

One Girl and Her Dreams

Stepping Out of the Boat

Salzwedel Family Adventures

Welcome to My Brain

5 Things I'm addicted to:

1. This darn blog world- I can't get enough.

2. Facebook- my newest internet life-waster.

3. Diet Pepsi- I only had 2 today. Usually I have 3 or 4.

4. Photography- and I'm super close to getting my DLSR!!

5. Saving the best for last- my hubby. I can't get enough of him. He is, (and I'm sorry for the rest of you) hands down, the very best man living on this planet.

Obviously, with the addictive personality that I have, these are just 5 of a long list. Some I've spoken of before, some are best kept to myself!

Random Tidbits

2009-01-12T09:51:00.003-07:00

I finally took my Christmas decs down yesterday. I kinda like Christmas decorations- in fact they take up most of the massive amounts of storage in our garage. There are about 15 large bins full of them- plus 5 trees in the garage. I basically redecorate the entire first floor of my house, set up small trees in the kids' rooms for them to decorate and switch out most of my dishes- including quite a few serving pieces. It's like my own home makeover every year. The problem is that I have to actually take it all down when I'm done and Jason has to look at it taking up his garage for the entire rest of the year. The vast majority of it has been given to me, but I also used to buy things that I just 'loved and couldn't live without' before I gained a better perspective on what really matters in life. And, since I have it now, I might as well use it, right?

As most of you know the boys race BMX during the warmer months of the year. However they obsess over and talk about BMX every day of the year. Yesterday they were attempting to come up with cool new 'nicknames' as part of their famous racing personas. John, who is still learning English (aren't we all?), said that Ethan should be called 'Oppopotomus.' Caleb said that John should be called 'Flying Monkey' or 'Spicy Salami'- I can't quite put my finger on it but I have a problem with both of those options. ;)

Look what I get to do 2 1/2 days each week!

I get to watch this precious baby- who we'll call 'J.' He's 12 weeks old and absolutely scrumptious. He's one of those babies who really does like life. He likes to eat. He likes to talk and play and smile. He likes to sleep. I'm having a blast!

My mom comes this Thursday for our 3rd and final Christmas for '08. I left the smallest of the trees out and decorated so that we can have a little holiday ambiance when we open gifts with her.

For Monika's birthday Jason's mom gave me (I mean her) a set of knitting looms. I am completely obsessed. I have made 4 scarves, 6 or 7 hats, and have purchased enough yarn to make several more projects. Where do I find the time? Well, I haven't cleaned a bathroom, washed a dish or done any laundry for about 2 weeks. (I might be exaggerating a little, but not much.) Caleb had to go to school today in a dress shirt and a pair of athletic pants cuz that's all he had! I'm determined not to start any more projects until I'm caught up around the house and my mom's visit is over.

Like I said, random. But I thought it was time for a new post so there you have it.

Umm.... Hi.

2009-01-05T18:47:00.005-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA. It's not because anything was wrong or that I've gone into the depths of despair or something. Quite the opposite. We have had an amazing couple of weeks celebrating the birth of our Savior, enjoying visits from family and eating massive quantities of the most deliciously unhealthy feasts. We have been swamped in a good way and we're most contentedly exhausted.

My mom was scheduled to come before Christmas but the Oklahoma City airport was completely shut down due to fog on the day she was supposed to leave. She wouldn't have been able to get on another flight until 2 days later so she decided to postpone her trip- she's coming on January 15. So, we're not even done with our Christmas celebrations yet!

Jason's mom came on the 23rd and got to witness John and Monika's first Christmas at home. We had such a great time. We spent most of our time in sweats or pajamas playing with all the new toys and eating rich meals and lots of chocolate desserts. Each night after we put the kids to bed we'd stay up late and play my mother-in-love's version of Spades and sip on cheap wine. It was so fun!

On Christmas Eve the kids got to open their new pajamas- the girls even got matching night gowns for their dolls.

On Christmas morning they all came racing down the stairs when we told them it was time.
I LOVE this picture of Monika. Look at the disbelief! Oh my goodness- she could not wrap her brain around all the presents and Santa and the stockings- it was all just a bit overwhelming.
John was pretty much just floating thru the day on cloud nine.
Anna, on the other hand, wasn't overly thrilled with her new Barbie. This was my best laugh of the day.
On New Year's Eve my dad and his wife came. We had our own little party at home. I served appetizers, soup and for dessert we had all the fun things to dip in our chocolate fountain! We played BINGO and popped lots and lots of those really loud popper thingies in the back yard.

On New Year's Day my younger brother and his wife joined us and we celebrated Christmas again. This was my first time to get to host a Christmas in my own home. I LOVED it! There were many many gifts to open and lots of laughs. It was also a picture-perfect day outside so the kids spent the afternoon on skateboards and scooters.

The kids were so eager and were looking to Papa and Nana for the 'go ahead' to open their gifts.
My brother, Darrell, and his wife, Julie. She is adorable!
My dad, Paul, and his wife Peggy. I think they had more fun than the kids.

Papa and Nana gave the kids more new jammies.

My dad and his wife had to leave the next day but my brother and SIL stayed until Sunday morning. It was super super fun. We even got a night out with just the adults.

Yesterday we all layed around in some sort of after-shock stupor. We were so exhausted! But I wouldn't have changed it. And, we still have my mom's visit to look forward to! The kids think that it is so cool that they have yet another Christmas coming.

Overall I could not have dreamed that Monika and John could have done as well as they did throughout all of the festivities. I expected bad behaviour and multiple break downs. They behaved remarkably well and we only had one break down that didn't last more than about 10 minutes. I'm so glad that we stayed at home and allowed lots of unscheduled time to play. When John did have his little break down he actually talked to me about what was wrong and wanted me to hold him and rock him. Just a few months ago he wouldn't have even tried to talk and he would have gone into a pretty serious rage if I had tried to hold him. It is miraculous that they have come so far so quickly.

So I am doing well. I am in need of some down time. I'm anxious for some time to journal and look back over the past year and ahead at the year to come. That time will come. I just feel a lot of joy and peace and contentment as I write about our first Christmas together. There is a lot of love in this family and I am so so blessed.